Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Poor Form

Withholding sex to "punish" your husband when things are not going great is cruel but more than anything is hurts you in the end. Did it ever occur to you that sex has a healing and unifying power? Withholding is usually about control and a severe lack of communication skills. Withholding sex can be an expression of hostility, or of teaching him a lesson. So you go ahead and show your spouse who is the “boss”, then what? You have now tainted the most loving act in the world into a weapon???

I understand that if your partner has mistreated you the last thing you want to do is jump in the sack. But please… then instead go about resolving things instead of playing some passive aggressive game where you are manipulative. What you do is create a dynamic where SEX becomes a tool instead of a gift. Your husband will learn to resent you and the power that comes with your physical affection, you literally aid in the process of reducing yourself into an object instead of a person.

Think of it from a different perspective. My friend’s father uses money in the same way. He will help his children financially but then uses it to obligate and guilt them later. He retroactively diminishes his fiscal gifts by holding it over his children’s heads. If they don’t do what he wants to appease him in any way, he will bring up his financial gifts as weapons. What has happened over the years is that the kids see him as an ATM that they resent. They want his money but not him. He created in them the very resistance he has wanted to avoid. He feels used, and rightfully so, but think about the part he played in that destructive exchange.

When wives do this with physical intimacy it usually proves to be a foolish move. When we are offended, we are looking into the other person’s behavior for ways to justify our own wrong doing. It really never plays out as we hope and it is just poor form.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Romantic Marriages.com


Ok, this is a really sweet little clean married site for buying adorable romantic things for your husband for Christmas... what he really wants for Christmas.... check it out. The lady who runs this is in my mom's ward and is such a great person trying to help build better marriages in society. One of the best ways to edify your marriage is to show your husband you LOVE him... as much as you can this holiday season.

Please Visit


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where did she go?

One feisty feminist talked about how her heart was softened when her husband said, “'What happened to this lover I married? Where did she go?” This person use to counsel her girl friends to have sex only when, where and how they want it, regardless of their partner's feelings. She gained the sudden awareness that, often, this isn't just about thoughtless men expecting sex on tap, but that as women, we use sex to punish, to withhold and to send coded 'You're not getting it right' messages instead of communicating our true feelings. And we are literally destroying our marriages.

While some women go on an undeclared sex strike through resentment over unwashed dishes, neglected duties, disappointment, plenty more don't know what caused their once-passionate desire to wither away. Maybe it is just that many ladies don't have a particularly high libido to begin with. Maybe during the falling in love state they were given a huge boost by the hormonal cocktail of cupid. But after a few years or even sooner, she reverts back to normal, leaving her poor passionate partner totally stranded and in trouble.

According to tons of research done on married women… it is the simple matter of Just Doing It! Women simply choosing to have sex, rather than waiting for an incredibly sexual urge seems to be a very powerful tool in helping make your marriage go right. People might look at it as a modern version of 'lie back and think of happy thoughts'. Many women today freak out about the idea of women feeling sexually obligated. HERE IS THE CRITICAL POINT… for many women being physically touched is the only way to get that engine running. I have had many honest admissions from women that unless decide to do it, they would never. But when activity mode is turned to “ON” the sex is often as good as they could imagine.

And at the end of the day, Show Up Naked with Food is preaching that it is a matter of just choosing to show your special man that you do indeed love him - even if you don’t always feel like it.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Snake Like

Many women in their insecurities become incredibly needy and clingy. This over bearing approach that is all too common for the Y chromosome is suffocating and unappealing to most men. One guy friend of mine described this scenario as being just like an anaconda snake. The tighter it clenches the more the victim can’t breathe and the more the struggle to get away the more she strengthens her grip. A vicious cycle indeed.

Guys want to want to be with you… and even sometimes to miss you. The most attractive thing in another person is true and genuine self esteem. If you respect and love yourself you pave a path for others to love you too. Nothing is more unattractive than a person who doesn’t like themselves because it makes them do really gnarly things.

So please, unless you are using your snake like abilities for fun purposes in the bedroom… try not to give into the serpent’s ways.

Monday, November 29, 2010

3 Important rules

1. DON'T GO TO BED MAD Although you've probably heard this before, it is really true and really powerful. Going to bed with frustration and hurt tends to keep feelings under the surface. Talking things out and falling to sleep in each other’s arms is a better way to go!

2. DARE TO BE BOLD Way too often, wives sit back and wait for their husbands to make the first move in the bedroom. Try showing initiative and being the aggressive one. This usually will ignite your husband's passion in a major way. It will leave him feeling desired and worthwhile… a feeling we all long for.

3. DON'T DEPRIVE HIM Husbands need sex as much, if not more than you need compliments and hugs. For most men, this is a very important way in which they feel loved.

The Family


Repost April 22
Gender is an essential characteristic of an individual’s identity and purpose. Successful marriages and families are more easily maintained when fathers preside over their families in love and are responsible for providing and protecting their families and when mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing. In these impressive responsibilities, fathers and mothers should help one another as equal partners. There are of course circumstances that may necessitate different arrangements and each couple would be wise to sincerely calculate their situation. The disintegration of the family will and has brought grave sorrow and pain upon individuals, communities, and nations.

Under the above assumption, if a man is withholding in his obligation to provide and protect his family people can easily notice. When a man is not meeting his family’s temporal needs people can often tell by outward examples of financial distress. If a man is not protecting his family or is in other words physically abusive, his children and wife can call upon authorities to legally persecute him. However, if a woman withholds her responsibility to nurture her family, particularly her husband, it is not as noticeable to the outside. Meeting your husband’s physical need for sexual intimacy is in very deed nurturing. It helps make him feel cherished, desired, and loved. This loving gift you can provide your husband will bring you closer to him figuratively and literally.

Dinner around the table can prove to be a challenge for overscheduled kids and tired parents, but know that the benefits of a sit down family dinner have been championed by social scientists for years. Many studies have shown that kids who eat dinner regularly with their family are less likely to be involved with drugs and alcohol than those that do not. They also prove to show better grades and have less stress. A study done by Columbia showed that compared to teens who have 5 or more family dinners a week, those who have two or less are three times as likely to try marijuana, two and a half times as likely to smoke cigarettes and one and half times as likely to try alcohol. So not only will your husband benefit from your efforts to arrange dinner each night but so will your children.Remember that no success can compensate for failure in the home. Start with your marriage and see the amazing trickle-down effect.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Feminism


repost from April 2010
In a world of growing feminism, as all polar oppositional forces tend to swing too far, our efforts to secure “equality” actually have diminished the importance of sexual roles and some of the disparities that are inherently present in men and women. While feminism has been amazingly influential in increasing women’s pay and general status in our culture, it has also done some harm when it comes to the family. Feminism’s own language of empowerment has been harnessed to confuse gender roles, causing confusion among men and overwhelming pressure and stress on women. I feel in some ways, the feminist movement has put far too much responsibility on females. The common trend of breaking down gender stereotypes has lead to the traditional roles as nearly being seen as taboo. There are biological differences in men and women and much evidence shows that men are supposed to be men and women are suppose to be women.

Again, there have been many wonderful positives from the feminist movement including freedom and self determination for women, greater diversity of accomplishments, and ideas and a more educated populace. This issue is not easy to discuss because there are so many strong opinions about women and their place in the world. I am not about to argue that woman or any human being is not equal regardless of their sex, race, origin, or abilities. But I would like to try and shed light on the fact that the feminist movement has gone too far.

The economics of our nation have adjusted for a two income family. The average married couple most likely cannot afford to have the American dream lifestyle without two people bringing in a full time wage. Two adults having to grind the wheel of the workforce often, not always, but often results in women feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and feeling as though they are not measuring up as mothers and wives. For many men the result is feeling neglected by their spouses, emasculated, and constantly nagged by their partner because they are not doing enough. Both parties suffer in their health because neither have time to prepare nutritional meals and of course the ultimate decline of their intimacy.

Equality does not mean men and women are the exact same, fundamentally and physiologically we are not! I actually feel that the extreme negative effects of feminism have actually paradoxically been further oppressive. We have shaken up the pre-conceived ideas about how to treat women, but we did not really offer anything in place of those ideas. Perhaps some concepts of our grandmothers’ were not so bad, perhaps we can learn what it means to be a woman and what our divine roles are here on this earth.

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Husband's Thoughts

One of my readers sent me some thoughts about the topic of pornography. He comes from a very religious community and talks about how taboo the subject is in his circle.

“I believe there is a process of suppression that people instigate as a protective mechanism from the images and words that are pornographic. Good or bad? They choose not to talk about or acknowledge it, but how do you introduce the subject in casual conversation without killing it or making it vile? When brought up in conversation it throws people out of their comfort zone. Pornography is mysterious, its sex, it’s curious, it’s bad, it’s exciting. After all its 2 people making love albeit in ways I will never do it and in groups and same sex...whatever.
Sometimes I am curious about the way other people have sex. I don’t visit these sites to find out but that’s not to say I’m not curious. Am I a closet pornographer?I agree that women need to satiate their husbands (not only in bed) to keep a marriage alive. But I will also say that a husband needs to work just as hard to maintain a healthy marriage and also not through sex. We (husbands) can’t hide behind the Priesthood, or, I’m the man of the house clause, or do as I say, line. It doesn’t work that way. For me it doesn’t work for my wife to not have a voice in our partnership, or if we flip that, she can’t be talking crap at me all day either.

Sure, I put forward my best persona when I was dating my wife. What? Was I really going to give her both barrels of full disclosure..... My porn career is alive and well but with my wife. If we agree one night that I’m going to parade as Tarzan, then damn it I will! There is nothing that happens in our marriage without both of us agreeing to it. I don’t know the answers to avoiding pornographic material I don’t understand the addiction side of it but unless there is full disclosure and open communication mixed with sensitivity and love, it’s going to be a long road in a relationship. If it’s not porn it’s going to be something else.

I’ve mentioned in this blog that my wife and I endure a marriage bound by some seriously strong threads that include communication and honesty, and all developed over time. There are so many innocuous events in our lives that cause each of us to compare, size up, judge, and to think about the disparity in our relationships. Apart from the wonderful qualities my wife developed before she met me and during her time with me, her quality of beauty is also determined by the crap women who have entered my life. The crap relationships I’ve seen. I mention this here to offer a possible why to pornography. You know the phrase, you can’t know the sweet without knowing the sour?I have never believed that Lindsay has ever said that showing up naked with food meant that women should give in and placate the husband, keep the peace by capitulating, spreading her legs to be obedient, giving up her identity, her voice etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. If that is the perspective you achieve from this blog or if that is the perspective you want in your life and about your role in your marriage then it should not surprise you your husband is going to be a tosser. I can’t be stale about my role in this partnership. My best persona did not wither or disappear because of marriage, it’s improving or my relationship is heading south.”
I love to hear what guys think about it, so it was fun to get one husband's perspective. Let me know your thoughts...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Importance of Novelty


Research has shown that novelty in life can equal happiness. New experiences create dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. These are the same chemicals generated in early romantic love and even the same potent stuff that come with drugs and other additions.

So rather than eating out at the same old places, going to the same old movie theatre, and spending time with the same old friends, research is suggesting that married couples need to tailor their date nights around new, different, and exciting. Injecting novelty into your relationship is incredibly important to your marriage.

“We don’t really know what’s going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s enabling you to feel more romantic love,” - anthropologist Helen E. Fisher.

Men want to emotionally connect to us... and if this is (and often is) by way of activity behind closed doors then perhaps start there. You don't have to get crazy just maybe try being more cleaver about your approach and how you romance him.

The Loving Wives club heard about my blog and sent me the cutest gift package for the holiday season. I was so impressed with how clean and how cleaver they have been with MARRIED friendly and adorable ideas on how to romance your guy. Please visit their website at http://romanticmarriages.com/

I will blog more about their products and hopefully give all of you loving wives ideas from their amazing work. I am so appreciative of women who are out there trying to fortify marriages- especially when there are so many distractions out there today. Two Thumbs up for Romantic Marriages.com!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Issues of Pornography

The discussion of the harms of pornography was the topic at hand when I recently made a comment in a public religious setting in hopes to share insight into my “show up naked with food” ideology. While I prefaced my comment, I learned later that some of the people present were apparently offended by what I said. In fact, one man publically corrected me later. I understand why people didn’t hear what I was saying, perhaps I should have been be more clear and more diligent about explaining my thoughts, but I do know that all of us hear through our own filters. I also know that this is a sensitive issue and that many wives are hurting because of the evils of pornography.

I said that while there are certainly different circumstances, for example some men come into marriages with pornography additions, and that everyone has their agency… I wonder if sometimes as women we can consider our part in our creating an environment where temptations are lessened in our marriages. I mentioned that it is a real physiological need for men to have physical intimacy, as real as needing relief from going to the bathroom, and that as women sometimes it is just not on our radar. I spoke to the fact that our lives get bombarded with the needs of children and a busy day and it is sometimes just not something we care to give attention to and that I wonder if sometimes we could be more diligent about making that need of our husbands a priority.

What I was trying to convey was that maybe we can examine our part in things, maybe we can consider if this is something we do better, maybe we can consider the effects of the lack of physical intimacy on our husbands and consider if maybe we add unnecessary temptation in their lives. What some people heard, apparently, is that it is the wives fault…. and that is just NOT what I am saying. That is NEVER what this blog is about. It isn’t about blame, it is just about accountability. Accountability for our part in this amazing union called marriage. It is indeed a partnership so let’s focus on our PART in that partnership.

If you are religious or not I thought I would share a biblical reference about how we can create added temptation by withholding. The scripture 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 says,

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

Paul is issuing a warning about separating physically, stating that temptations may come into the marriage when couples do so.

As far as the issue of pornography, the man who corrected me is completely correct, he shared that research has shown that a women being more physically involved with her husband will not help a man with a pornography addiction. This is absolutely true because addiction is very serious and is something that needs full-on professional help. Many women who deal with this issue in marriage already feel guilt and worry that it is their fault because they fear they are not attractive enough. Please dear women, do NOT think this is what I am saying. Again addiction cannot be helped by you! What I am trying to bring up is merely how, and research has shown as well, that there is a correlation with the lack of physical intimacy and temptation. So to restate what I am saying, making sure you are showing up naked with food does not mean you can fix or cause or make anyone do anything. I am just convinced that we can make things easier or harder on the men we are married to. So hopefully to help avoid addiction issues later, let’s be there for our men. Let’s do our part. Let’s make an environment in our marriages that is loving and supportive.

I am pretty sure that if I had said something about how maybe as women we can take extra precaution to make sure our home environments are clear of temptations like lingerie magazines, movies with even mild sexual content, and if we made added efforts for the spiritual activities- no one would have been offended. I don’t believe that what upset people was my pointing to the fact that maybe we can do more to help- I think it is because I brought up the part that most women and people do not like to talk about. This to me screams how needed this conversation is! Why didn’t they just hear what I said and say to themselves, well that is just not the case in my marriage? Or, I see the value in what she is saying but we need to be careful of making women feel blamed for these issues (which I agree is important). Instead, people were upset, offended, and LAREGELY disagreed. The words were, “that is just NOT True!”

Good thing all of you as readers can make up your own minds. That is the beauty of freedom of speech. Let me know your thoughts. All comments are posted. Thanks!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What if HE doesn’t want it?

So Show Up Naked with Food certainly speaks to the fact that all men WANT IT!!! But what if your man doesn’t fit the bill of the sex craved male? What if HE doesn’t want it and you do? I had one reader ask that exact question. While my blog is fairly generalized there are most definitely couples and people that this will not pertain to. See my warning at the bottom of this blog! So if he just isn’t interested in physical intimacy as much as you are try for starters asking yourself why… is it because your marriage is strained in other areas? Do you nag and disrespect him? Is he going through a stressful time financially or otherwise? How is his health? How is your emotional connection to him? Is your relationship set to the tone of romance? Are you making efforts to make him feel like a man and make yourself the woman he would want? Or perhaps is there nothing wrong with him, you, or your relationship but rather he just isn’t full of those hormones most guys are? Maybe consider how extreme his lack of desire is…. according to this site 1/3 of marriages suffer from mismatched sexual desire.

I liked what was written there, "About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.” Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling."

Either way, if you both are happy than don’t worry about it, don’t worry about keeping up with the Joneses in the bedroom because that is your mommy and daddy time and no one can dictate was is the right or wrong amount of sex to be having. My blog is just here to say that MOST GUYS want it more than you are having it! If this is not the case for you guys than no worries. But be real with yourself. Is he just saying he is ok with the lack of frequency of special time because he loves you, is unselfish, protecting your feelings, or is he really just not raring to go? Try soliciting him. Make the move. Try everyday and see how interested he is and then you will know for sure. My guess is a lot of guys will be thrilled at the new attention and you will be thrilled at the results in your marriage.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Women: Inspiration and Enterprise

I just got back from an amazing weekend in New York City. I attended the WIE symposium. Women: Inspiration and Enterprise, put on a remarkable platform for women to celebrate, connect, and learn. I am so proud of all that women have accomplished and all that we add to the world. The United Nations Summit was being held at the same time as my event. Such amazing progress has been made by way of women’s issues. Even the fact that Girls and Women are on the agenda of the UN is progress from a few years ago.

Marianne Williamson spoke to something that I deeply believe in. She grew up in the first major wave of feminism. She and many women have looked at their mother’s life and decided that it wasn’t important enough. The years have taught her the mistake in her youthful beliefs.
Now her sense of what is divine, what is archetypal, and her sense of what is deeply moral and connected to a creator--- is that a woman’s role to take care of the children and the home. But what she realizes now is that this WORLD is our HOME and EVERY CHILD is our CHILDREN.

I just agree full heartedly that there is a divine sense of motherhood that goes beyond our own biological imperatives and we should look at all human suffering as our place for activism. My work with Child Rescue is a way for me to provide for my immediate little family but it is also a way for me to hopefully take care of my family at large, these children who are being bought and sold in our own country, and I am so humbled by the support we are getting to combat this most horrific of all evils. If people are not helping or contributing to the cause, I don’t think the problem is a lack of decency or compassion. We are in constant bombardment of the ultimate meaningless and most people just do not know this is happening.

So please visit our website http://www.childrescue.org/ and learn more and thank you for showing up naked with food to your spouse which ultimately means showing up with LOVE.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Body Image

Some of my readers who want to show up naked with food in their marriages have asked me how they can do so when they feel really unattractive and don’t like the idea of intimacy because of their insecurities. One reader asked me how to get over body issues. While I am no expert on this s subject I can share my thoughts from my own experiences and from my personal reading on the matter. I hope it is helpful.

Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed hundreds of cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity. Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." He talks about if you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions.

Working on your figure may help you feel better about yourself and is certainly good for your health but also keep in mind that studies have shown it can play a real role in your sex life. Exercise has been proven to increase one’s sex drive. Why does exercise increase libido? The reasons exercise can give your sex life a boost is probably multi-factorial. Exercise gets the heart pumping and increases blood flow to all parts of the body including sexual organs which can enhance desire while enabling better sexual performance. But the biggest reason is self confidence. Being sexy is a state of mind.

Try finding a full-length mirror and strip down to nothing but skin. Take a good look at yourself, note your imperfections, say hi to your cellulite and then tell yourself that you must stop fretting about the things you don’t like about your body. The appearance of confidence will add more than enough sexiness to compensate for any physical imperfections. For most wives it is helpful to know that their husband wants you any way you come…. As long as it is naked with food ;)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Emotional Rape

One of my dearest guy friends recently told me a story that needed to make the blog. He had been hanging out with a girl a little while and they had kissed a few times but it was still fairly new and not that serious. One day she came over as he was lying in his bed and demanded that they have a “DTR” or determine the relationship talk. She asked him how much he liked her, required what he thought of her, and insisted that they should become more committed. He felt so cornered and overwhelmed. She was relentless and it was really uncomfortable for him and unpleasant. He explained to me, which I totally agree with, that women often emotionally RAPE men. Women need verbal affirmation and security in what guys think about them. Women literally crave emotional connection the same way men CRAVE sex. If a man walked in a room, cornered his lady, and proceeded to “force” himself physically on her- we would call it rape and it would be a formal crime. I thought his insight was actually really profound.

Ladies… our needs and wants are fair but the next time we walk up to our men and try to “take” what we want from them emotionally let’s just keep this story in mind. Maybe instead, let’s GIVE the love we have been wanting and see how that plays out.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Feelings of a working mom

An issue that a friend of mine, a mother of two small kids, has had that has caused lack intimacy with her husband started when she began working full time. She says she feels resentful of “doing” more than he does around the house while already working just as much. She feels that she is left with two options: endlessly haranguing her guy to be aware of the house needs the same way she is, or silently fuming which usually equals launching a sex strike.

Well it turns out for her that the "traditional" marriage, which has been annihilated in society, where she stays at home and he works…. actually was a much better deal. Although she likes her job she feels that when she was a stay at home mom her house ran smoother, they ate better meals because she cooked them, the kitchen and bathrooms were always clean, and she actually got alone time with him. Everything is just not good enough at home now. For example: Her husband just doesn’t straighten the bath mat like she would after getting the kids out of the shower.

She claims that having a stay at home mom has pretty good provisions for many of today's most stubborn marital problems, such as how to combine work and parenthood, and how to keep the springs of the marriage bed in good working order. I thought her insight was interesting. Hope you’re getting good use out of your mattress!!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Satisfaction

To say couples are unhappy because they are not having sex regularly can certainly be simplifying the problem- many couples have vulnerabilities that are reflected in their sex life. One partner may be afraid of rejection, for example, while the other is afraid of merging, which can affect the sexual connection. Therapy is often the best way for couples to work out these fears.

"Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce," says Dr. Weiner Davis. She contends that it isn't a matter of how often a couple has sex, but how satisfied both partners feel: "A sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed."

What if you and or your spouse are not “stoked” on your romantic relationship? What can we do? Well, you can start with offering suggestions to your partner about what will help you enjoy yourself more. Take action right away. Be spontaneous! Do something different. If you let your marriage slowly decline it will ultimately fail. Often happiness inside the bedroom translates to happiness outside the bedroom… the two go hand in hand.

Please use the beautiful gift of intimacy to connect to the person you are married to because it is one of life’s sweetest pleasures and not just physically.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Two Sides to Every Coin

There are always TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN. Remembering this helps us accept the men we married. Perhaps we should stop focusing on their faults and look at the things they do well and the things we do appreciate about them.

Let’s take for example my sweet husband… he is remarkably humble, calm, easy going, and an absolute joy to be around. He lets things slide and troubles/dramas in life are merely water off a duck’s back. He grew up on the beach and has this fun, laid back, life loving personality that is incredibly endearing. He always wants to be with friends and family and makes life’s precious moments his aim. Interestingly enough the other side of the coin called “Mr. Chilled Out” also means that sometimes he isn’t the most tenacious person and can often be so content with life that pushing for extreme goals and aspirations aren’t always a top priority. Sometimes I find myself wishing he had a little more “Fire” and I wonder why he doesn’t take care of certain things the same way that I do. Fortunately- I often stop to recognize and remember that I married one side of the coin that I adore… so I had better be willing to accept the other side too. Each of us has weaknesses and strengths and often times our strengths can be our weaknesses given different situations.

When we see our spouses with compassion, our view of them changes regardless if they change or not. One way to see your man with compassion is by seeing him as hungry… for something yummy to eat and for that lovely body of yours! So flip a coin…heads means you make him and sandwhich right now and tails means…well…ummm....you fill in the blank. ;)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Not Mother?

I love this quote by Goethe, “If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is, but if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become that bigger and better man.”

When our unwavering faith is on his side, he will strive to live up what we have made him out to be. Inspire him. Make him come home beaming by recognized him and appreciated him and teaching your children to.

If only all of us could remember that forcing a man to change often causes rebellion. After all, he didn’t want to marry his mother.

“It is simply futile to try to change another if we do so in a critical spirit, even a mild one. Generally speaking, we influence others most profoundly when we do not seek to change them at all, but simply go about straightforwardly doing the right and loving thing.” -Arbinger Institute

Friday, June 25, 2010

Show Up Naked with Food gets a Makeover!

I hope you guys like the new blog layout. Apparently people with Macs could not read the old one. Speaking of makeovers… I wanted to write about the impact getting “dolled up” for your husband can have. Don’t you just feel more beautiful when you take a little bit of time to look your best? This surge of self confidence is helpful to us women and therefore helpful to our marriage relationships. I am a very busy mom who works from home about a billion hours a week and often the “ball” that I let drop is -me. Some days I find myself thinking about how I should brush my teeth and change out of my pjs for the first time around 2 in the afternoon. So this reminder is good for me. When I make a little effort on my appearance, it really pays off.
Here are some other fun ideas and tips for strengthening your marriage.

THIRD PARTY APPRECIATION Often paying a compliment to your husband by saying something nice about him to someone else is really strengthening. Because he knows you are not just saying it to him because you have to so it can really play genuine.

HOME SWEET HOME Try to create an environment in your home where your husband can retreat from all of life’s stressors. A pleasant home environment can help keep everybody’s mood in check. And from a sexual standpoint, creating your bedroom into a lover’s getaway can encourage your connecting more regularly. Having clean bed linens, tidy floor space, and romantic candlelight screams to your man: I want to be with you. Or try to slip in sneaky little signs of your adoration like, “LOVE YOU” with your lip prints written on the steamed-up bathroom mirror- just think how this will steam him up too.

MAN OF THE HOUSE Again, as I have mentioned in past posts, although this concept is growing increasingly unpopular, it really does make a difference in a man’s attitude about his marriage and his life with you. Everything can be a team effort and all of your opinions and ideas can count but let him feel that he is the chief at the end of the day. Your gift of supporting him in this role can empower him to better things.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Fascinating Womanhood


One reader informed me that parts of my blog remind her of the book “Fascinating Womanhood”. This book talks about how we as wives should learn how to awaken our husband’s love. When we correct our mistakes we solicit a loving response in our partner. All of us need to realize that we hold the keys to our own happiness. When we do not blame others and we own the responsibility we in turn make ourselves in a position of authority over our own life.
“The role of a woman is fulfilling, fascinating, and full of intrigue. There never need be a dull moment. This practice of this art of womanhood is an enjoyable one, filled with rich rewards, numerous surprises, and vast happiness.” - Fascinating Womanhood

The feminine soft and merciful love is something men find fascinating about women. When wives help their husband’s respect themselves it in turn allows room for them to respect their wives. As women we are often blind to our own charms.

I know a smart and graceful woman that knows how to be attractive, even adored, when she is angry or frustrated by her man. She places her husband’s happiness as her primary goal and it helps her gain personal true happiness. As I watch this exemplary couple I notice that TRUE LOVE is not dutiful but rather spontaneous and tender.

Do you think it is selfish to want to be adored by your husband? Is giving to get wrong? Perhaps your efforts to awaken your husband’s love for you is actually unleashing in him his own potential happiness. When we love and serve others we find our purpose in life. People are worth living for and worth dying for. Maybe you can think of how your being worthy of his adoration will actually spur him onto greater success in life because he too will want to be worthy of you.

Why is it women tend to want to hear about what HE can do better? So many women want me to blog about what the man can do more of. I am confident that we can learn to see the finer side of our husbands by applying the miracles of service, mercy, and love. We will unleash our romantic notions just by being the best version of ourselves. Try it... be physically intimate and serve him more frequently for his sake and yours!

Friday, June 4, 2010

He Says


Thoughts from a husband:

“You know, it's not that difficult to keep another person's bucket full. A thank you here . . . A quick chat at work there . . . A, "Hey, my fantasy football is really something I can put aside to concentrate fully on this baby," over there . . . And even a, 'Wow, my wife's so hot it kind of turns me on when she shows the rest of the world what I have all to myself,' everywhere . . . It's really not difficult. I'm a husband. I know I'll die someday. I'll take every chance I can to connect with, interact with, cater to, flirt with and ogle my wife that I can. It comes back to me, and it's all good! And it's all really easy.”

“A couple of thoughts from an old guy"
wrote:

“Here are a few rules I try to live by, and believe me, I'm no husband of the year:

1. In relationships, the little things are the big things. I say please and thank you a lot to my wife when she does the dishes that I usually do, or takes care of an errand I usually do. If I clean the litter boxes (which she usually does), she thanks me. It shows respect and appreciation, which are essential for a marriage to last. I don't say "I love you" a lot; neither of us does. But we do thank each other often, and "please" is part of our house vocabulary.

2. Take 100 percent responsibility for your part in any conversation. That means instead of, "I didn't say that," you acknowledge that you did say that (maybe you really did -- we all misspeak), not in a passive-aggressive manner, but that you truly believe that you did. Then you can add, "What I should have said was . . . " I've learned this defuses many hot issues.

3. I'm a "have to fix it" guy when my wife has a problem. One day, long ago, I had no fix, so I sat there and listened. Afterward, my wife thanked me profusely for just listening. I didn't think I did anything. But I did a lot by keeping my mouth closed and my ears open. Such a concept!

4. When I mentioned I was going to write you, my wife commented that when she came in at the end of the day, I got up from the couch and went over and kissed her. Just that. I never really thought it was a big deal, but to her it really is.
I wish I had known all this stuff 38 years ago when we got married. Then again, I did learn it and, obviously, I'm still learning. Makes me wonder what else I'm missing! But at least I try.”

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Blame Game


I have had comments from several female readers about the fact that this blog should address more about what men should be doing to make their wives happy. I would love to invite guys to write comments or speak to this- so please send me your thoughts fellas! My intention for starting this blog was to get us wives to stop thinking about ourselves and our version of “the story” and to start thinking about the men we married in order to improve our marriages. If we each really considered how we can better love the other, rather than how we should or ought to be loved by them, there would not be as many broken homes and broken hearts.

Victor Hugo wrote beautifully, “Do I exist for my own happiness? No, my whole existence is devoted to her, even in spite of her.” We’d all actually find our own happiness created more easily if we had this attitude of adoration for our spouses.

Blame is one of the most destructive aspects of humanity. When I have a “problem” with someone or something it is always a good indicator that it is time for me to take a hard look in the mirror.

Let me share with you a story that happened to me a month or so back in my marriage. Picture this:

It is late Friday night, I have worked a 60 hour week and am consequently exhausted and climb into bed talking with my husband about all the things we have to do and take care of tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is Saturday and I have a million obligations and because both my husband and I work and we both share in running the household/taking care of our two boys, we rarely have time for weekend fun these days. I ask him what his day is like tomorrow in an effort to coordinate our schedules and the kids. He doesn’t mention anything in particular. I proceed to tell him how stressed I feel and even overwhelmed lately. He listens politely and we go to sleep.

Early in the morning about 6AM or so I am woken up to my husband all decked out in his snowmobiling clothes. He leans over me and kisses me on the cheek and asks if he can go snowmobiling with his friends for the day and will be back at about 5PM that night. I am wide awake and this point and pretty frustrated. Not because he wants to go snowmobiling but because he obviously intentionally didn’t mention these plans late the night before when I specifically asked him.

I share with him my confusion and frustration but he and I both know he was just “handling” me. He didn’t want to deal with asking me last night when I was clearly feeling overwhelmed. He wanted to wait until the last possible moment, with his gear adorned and a ride on the way.

I immediately start thinking up a series of self justifications as to why I have every right to be upset with him. I am now going to be the BAD guy, and I resent this- so I tell him he can do whatever he wants to do. (WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS) If he goes HE’LL be the bad guy so he is left with no choice. He stayed home and helped me with our extensive list of errands. It was a yucky situation and we were both grumpy for an hour or so.

My being frustrated with him gave me a hint that I should consider thinking about his reasons. I then engaged in some serious self introspection and realize that I must be the type of wife that he feels he has to “handle” sometimes. I must be difficult to communicate with me sometimes, especially about his desire to get some sporting enjoyment occasionally out of our busy lives (which is another thing a lot of guys need/want...by the way) and certainly I don’t always make him feel 100% safe to approach me when I am verbally vomiting my stressors to him late at night. When I truly considered this about myself I totally got over being upset and actually felt badly for him and focused on how much I WANT him to go snowmobiling on the weekends with his pals. I WANT to make him happy and do everything in my power to allow him life's pleasures.

My change in attitude was matched and even outmatched by my adorable husband who came to me apologizing and saying he was sorry for being selfish and he acknowledged me for all that I do for our family and how he wants for me to have a turn to enjoy myself for the weekend. We kissed, hugged, and both apologized profusely. It wasn’t until each of us thought about the other person that our conflict was no more!

Some incredibly influential books and teachings about how we can learn to overcome our tendency of having the problem of not knowing WE have a problem have been offered by Arbinger Institue “Arbinger is a worldwide consulting company and think-tank comprised of people who have been trained in business, law, economics, philosophy, the family, education, coaching, and psychology." In their books, they capture the idea of “self-deception” and how all of us get into this pit fall.

When we are self-deceived we exonerate ourselves by placing blame or finding fault with others. If we talk about all the wrong others do and how they need to be better we merely use these conversations to justify our own short-comings. However, if we can overcome our self-deception, it often acts as the primary way of helping others overcome theirs.

So my sweet lady readers, while absolutely our husbands could improve- since I am not a husband, I am not sure it would be too effective for me to write about what THEY should do. Perhaps I will get some thoughtful men to write more on that as per your requests! Thanks for reading.

"The point of it all, the reason for our concerns about these matters, is not to polish ourselves to a nonhuman perfection, but to stand self-forgetfully and conscience-free in the light and to recover our balance quickly if we start to fall." - Arbinger Institute

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Create the Space


For me making dinner always comes easier if I don’t get behind on the dishes so that I have a clean and good work space to being in. Doing little things along the way long before dinner time is upon me helps me manage feeding my cute family. If I start before dinner, like for example thaw the meat the night before in the fridge, I want to kiss myself when 6 o’clock comes around.

I have taken generous steps to learn how to cook meals and recipes for my husband to remind him of home. He is from another country and there are some meals he just can’t get here so I do my best to indicate my love through this effort and he really appreciates it. It helps with homesickness and makes him feel special that I go that extra length.

Food can create a powerful emotional connection to memories. Throughout history and across many cultural lines, food has been associated with the provision of comfort. Consider as infants how we are soothed by mother’s milk. It is a raw instinct for us to connect food to satisfaction. Knowing this can be fun and powerful. Many chiefs and cooks adore the feeling of bringing others joy via their culinary gifts.

I am all about Girl Power! Perhaps this is why I love it when wives discover their abilities to improve their behaviors and consequently improve their relationships. When we as wives are more affectionate, attentive, passionate, and even by darned SEXIER… we can tap into new powers that truly work like a charm. I have had women come giggling to me because they are thrilled with the affect they have over their husband just by their own efforts.

So let’s create the space where we love ourselves and see our own potential for good-be it in our marriages or in the world at large.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Powerful Tie that Binds


I want to share another important response to my blog because perhaps there are others that feel the same. By the way, I really appreciate hearing from you. Feel free to make comments directly on the blog or you can email me personally. I may not be able to respond to all but your voice is helpful and welcome.

This reader pointed out something I wanted to address, she wrote, “You say this advice won’t work for everyone, and that’s fair. Obviously, for (my husband) and me right now, it’s not realistic. But when I see what you write and the comments that other people post, I get the distinct impression that I don’t relate because I don’t measure up. I never felt like there were any problems in my marriage or that I was neglecting my “wifely duties” until I saw this blog and the comments. It made me feel bad for (my husband), that he got stuck with a girl who gets migraines, has anxiety, and not a ton of energy. But then I remembered that HE gets migraines, too, and he runs out of energy just like me. We communicate about everything, and I think we’re on the same page as far as our sexual activity goes. We’re not perfect, but we’re doing our best.”

Dear reader, you are awesome for communicating about everything with your husband. I am sure it is one of the biggest reasons for your successful relationship. I am sorry that you feel badly about things written in this blog. They were never intended to hurt anyone’s feelings. NO ONE is perfect! No marriage is perfect! And there is no PERFECT answer for everything. I have just observed that unlike you and your husband, many couples are NOT on the same page as far as their sexual activity goes and many marriages suffer because of this fact.

Therapist Jane Greer, is quoted saying, “Marriage has changed, in the old days the husband was the breadwinner. The wife had the expectation of raising the children and pleasing him. Now they're both working and both taking care of the children, and they're too exhausted and resentful to have sex."

Some husbands have not speed up to this century where in most households women are also employed and yet these miraculous females are still raising children and are striving to be the best homemakers they know to be. These guys somehow think they can prop their feet up while “mother” does everything.

In my experience, the happiest marriages seem to be the ones where couples equally take on the work load, regardless of how it is divided. Here is a little tip for the men folk out there that will hopefully motivate them into stepping it up- The University of Washington’s research showed that those husbands who help more with household tasks have better sex lives with their wives.

On the flip side, I will say that I pity the poor hopeful husband that considers how he can maneuver some wifely attention at the end of his day who must somehow seduce his Mrs. who is not only economically independent, numbingly familiar with his ‘moves’, frustrated that he hasn’t cleaned the house to her liking, and chronically tired from her difficult days, but is also programmed to believe she should only be physical with him if she jolly well feels like it. It just seems like a hard win which really spells to me a hard win for the blessed institution called marriage.

In her book The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele Weiner Davis, writes of the importance physical intimacy plays in the husband- wife relationship, "When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Some Points


A reader bravely wrote me about a few parts of my blog that she had mixed feelings about so I wanted to share her thoughts since I think it may prove to be helpful both for me to clarify and for you to have the chance to come to your own conclusions about some of her comments. She first wanted to address my “Why Men NEED It” post. She said that she feels the way it’s written makes it sound like men absolutely, physically must ejaculate every day. She wrote, “I think men may WANT to have daily ejaculation, but they don’t really NEED it.”

I actually never wrote that they need to every day… I just said they NEED to! I can see why she thought I was inferring ‘every day’ since I initially was suggesting 'take care of your man each and every day' because I think a lot of men would like it every day. So in all actuality she and I agree on this post. I will say again, I feel it is super important that wives understand that men absolutely do need to ejaculate eventually and this is why if they do not they will have a nocturnal emission. Their need/desire for physical intimacy is different then ours! Theirs is physiological and for this reason and many others, it is my hope that wives will think before they are quick to deny their husbands.

She also let me know that some men in her life indicated that they feel a little bummed at being portrayed as such simple creatures and being reduced to their stomachs and their sex drives. She wrote, “(They) hoped that there was more to making them happy husbands than keeping them fed and sexually satisfied. All of them also said that daily sex (or other sexual acts) are a nice idea, but that they would all be too exhausted to participate. They all also said that if they knew their wives were only acquiescing to their advances out of a sense of duty and were (maybe) just pretending to be happy about them, they would feel horribly guilty.”

Again, of course this specifically themed blog is a simplification! I do have to admit I was a little surprised that guys have beef with what I am saying on this blog because it really is intended to be for their benefit and for the married couple’s benefit ultimately. I do have some questions for those guys that would feel “guilty” about their wives acquiescing their sexual needs though…

---first of all these are probably very good husbands because they are thinking about their wives emotional well being, these husbands are unselfish, they want their wife to WANT to be with them intimately and not just because it is what she SHOULD do. Bravo good husbands! Bravo! Your willingness to be thoughtful in your marriage, I am sure, serves you well. But let me ask you this: Do you ever do things for your wife just because you love her and not because you necessarily want to? Like for example a foot rub, do you get physical pleasure out of caressing the appendage attached at the ankle? Do you get jolly when you take out the trash? Do you adore buying flowers for flowers sake? Or perhaps do you often do kind things for your wife PURELY because it makes you happy to make her happy? This is what I am trying to convey and teach loving wives on this here bloggity blog. I am trying to get them to WANT to be physical with you even if her body is not necessarily craving it because it makes YOU happy which can in turn bring her and your marriage joy.

Another point she brought up was, “You say feminism has done some harm to the family. I completely agree that for many people, they may feel that if they don’t have an impressive career, perfect kids, a perfect home and a happy husband, then they are falling short in some way….I think feminism has made it so that my husband is conditioned to the idea of sharing the workload in the home and with the family, instead of expecting to come home and sit in his chair and smoke his pipe…”

Great call reader! I agree. Many men today are almost programmed to the idea that they better help out in equal loads or else. The good parts, like this one, of feminism are not what I am pointing to as the extremes or negatives from the movement. Maybe let me put it this way… imagine if there was a blog by a man that was titled, “Love Making Starts in the Kitchen” and the writer wrote all about how men should romance their wives, shave, shower, bring a rose, help bath the kids, mop the floors, compliment how his lady looks that evening and then cuddle up on the couch and watch Pride and Prejudice while kissing the nape of her neck to get her interested before he even considers advancing to the final whammy. Do you think it would get people upset like this blog seemingly has? I think because the feminist movement has had to be so LOUD for so LONG in order to get women a place at the table of society it has polarized and swung too far and it's now really unpopular to consider the things I am saying.

In today’s world, the enviable and rare woman is not the one liberated enough to scream to society that she is wearing the pants in her relationship. Nor is she the one capable of getting her man on his knees with her power tactics of withholding. The rare woman, and I am suggesting often the happy one--is the woman who maintains her husband's sexual interest and who returns it with pleasure.

Thank you for your comments and thoughts. Please keep them coming!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Choose Him


The element that can regularly restore ones marriage to a relationship that resembles something of ROMANCE rather than roommates, is physical intimacy. Now stop and ask yourself how often do you share intimate moments with your husband? Do you think perhaps he may like more? What about you, would you like to have more feelings of twitterpation and excitement in your married life? Are you interested in your spouse? Where does he fit on your list of priorities?

If your relationship is important to you- than you have to invest in it. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water, weed, and fertilize it. In marriage you just have to be willing to be physical, hopefully you actually want to, but it is unfortunately very common for women not to desire sexual intimacy as much as she once did and certainly not as much as her husband does.

I know what it is like to be tired, to feel stressed, unattractive, and sometimes just not in the mood. But I have learned that when it comes to responding to a husband’s overtures women can actually turn up the heat in themselves just by simply participating. Simply having sex can fuel the desire for more intimacy in your marriage because if you have a satisfying experience (even just if for you- emotionally) that positive reinforcement will encourage more. And to add to that, when you are empowering your man because he is “getting lucky” your luck magically improves too because you find yourself more and more in LOVE with the person you are sharing your life. There it is indeed, the operative word; ‘sharing’. Share with your husband your life, your thoughts, your time, and yes... even your body.

Desire is really a choice. You have to choose to make the physical part of your marriage vibrant and intimately satisfying. Granted both of you have to decide this together to have real dividends and moving forward the two of you can create ways to rediscover that energy you once decided to say “I do” to.

It is really not complicated; it requires getting the kids to bed at a decent hour, acquiring a better attitude, and romancing the man you married. How important is your marriage to you? How badly do you want your home life to be a safe haven and your marriage to be a legacy to your family? Why don’t we CHOOSE OUR HUSBANDS every day like we promised to?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Good Food, Good Mood


Having emergency meals that are quick and easy on hand in case you run into issues is always wise. My little boys were sick with the flu today and between cuddling, nursing, and ‘clean up duty’ I certainly didn’t have a lot of time to put much thought into dinner. I always try to keep options available for these types of days. Sometimes our lives are crazy as wives and mothers and dinner is just not the most pressing thing on our minds, so for those situations check out blogs and websites for ideas for quick, easy and healthy dinners. Here is one I like.

Especially when your family has had a stressful day and people’s nerves are tense, having healthy food ready in a flash can keep things from blowing up. Often being hungry and being grumpy go hand in hand so taking care of this aspect of your marriage really can prove to help keep arguments at bay.

I have noticed when I make a concerted effort to feed my husband, I am in turn feeding my marriage. The good old cliché the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is there for a reason. There is a biological explanation for the connection between food and mood which maintains that foods that taste good may promote the release of ‘endogenous opioids’ and influence a person’s mood. But one thing is for certain, men feel special when they are doted on or when they are served in any capacity… who doesn’t?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sexual Healing


Let’s just ring in the melodic beat of Marvin Gaye’s 1982 song “Sexual Healing” for this entry. Radical and REGULAR sex in marriage offers a host of physiological advantages, regardless if you are husband or wife.

An impressive study published in the British Medical Journal came out of Ireland and tracked a sample of about 1,000 comparable middle-aged men over 10 years. Those men who enjoyed the highest frequency of orgasm had a death rate half that of the others. So consider how “Show up Naked with Food” suggests that making love with your husband as much as he desires as an indicator of your appreciation and concern for him… well there is empirical evidence that it may even add years to his life.

There have been many studies conducted that show that having sex even a few times a week has an correlation or causal relationship with the following:

- Reduced risk of heart disease: A Queens University study found that having sex three or more times a week reduces a man’s risk of heart attack or stroke by half.
- Weight loss, overall fitness: E-R-Exercise, E-R-Exercise! Perhaps the bed is the best piece of workout equipment you own! A good mauling can burn up to 200 plus calories- (the equivalent of running 15 minutes) The equivalent of 6 huge Hamburgers can be worked off by ‘doing it’ three times a week for an entire year. Boosts of testosterone often occur from sex and leads to stronger muscle tone. It is like a positive cycle- more sexy time = better body, better body = more sexy time.
- Reduced depression: Some studies have indicated that those who enjoy a healthy sex life also have less of a propensity toward depression. I sure know it makes me smile!
- Pain-relief: Oxytocin is this awesome hormone that increases greatly as a consequence to orgasm, as a result endorphins are produces and help to alleviate the pain of everything from including migraines- so again having a headache perhaps is not the best excuse you should use if you are needing one.
- Boosted immune system: Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says people who have sex at least twice show higher levels of a specific antibody, which could translate into less sick day.
- Lower Risk for Prostate Cancer: The British Journal of Urology International published a study that claims guys in their 20s can reduce their risk of getting prostate cancer by a third if they have a physical ‘release’ five times a week.

There are health benefits specifically for women as well. Regular sessions can not only firm your stomach and that cute bum and has said to help to improve posture. I have been told it helps your skin and many other wonderful side effects. I have even read about the fact that women who abstain can be exposed to some physical risks. It can also help you get better sleep which is linked to a myriad of health benefits. But my personal favorite reason of all is that it can enhance your marriage relationship!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Brides to Be

An intimate sexual relationship in marriage is vital. Married couples should strive to achieve a physically relationship that can renew and sustain their love for each other. The tender feelings couples can capture with physical intimacy cannot be found elsewhere in life. Couples can experience intimacy in many more ways than just physical interaction. The process of obtaining a marriage that is an intimate one, is a process that begins before marriage and continues long after. There are many areas in which couples can grow together- socially, emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, financially, and physically. When you are considering marriage with a lucky chap be sure to understand him as best you can in each of these areas. Be sure to discuss your attitudes about sex to see if both of yours are sound, healthy, and compatible. Ask him what his expectations are and talk to him about yours.

Members of the opposite sex are socialized to respond and think differently about affection starting long before marriage. (While this is a generalization) Typically women crave romance and men crave physical intimacy. Just consider the focus for many girls on her wedding day. For many women there is tons of emphasis on the event and the ceremony details including cake, flowers, and dress. For most men, the honeymoon is where their mind is. While both men and women can enjoy romance and physical affection, behavioral scientists have noticed that men and women actually internalize each differently. It is critical for many women to feel emotionally nurtured in order to be aroused. For many men they must first share physical closeness to their partner before they can become acutely aware of her emotional needs. Understanding these differences in men and women can be very helpful to you as you start this voyage called marriage. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings often happen because of a lack of awareness. So be aware what your future husband NEEDS to feel loved and keep track of how that evolves once you are married.

Many young people enter marriage with little to no education about relationships. Seek out the best possible opportunities to prepare yourself for marriage. Talk with those you trust that do have good marriages to gain insight but above all talk with the person you are considering marriage with about as much as you can before you make such a huge commitment. Realize that the learning curve is infinite.

Once married it is wise to consider seriously with each other if your sexual emphasis is about a loving and sweet moment for you two to share or if you are pressured to make it a performance. Love is about meeting the needs of others and not self gratification but the ironic part is that when you are really in love with someone and they are with you- it is almost impossible not to be satisfied yourself. Receiving love is wonderful when you can comfortably know that you have also given it. Choose to create a marital culture of affirmation and thoughtfulness and once you have set the tone, there is a good chance he will match it. Keep in mind that issues with intimacy, both emotional and physical, have been overcome by many couples via open and honest communication and willingness to change.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Lessons Learned


My philosophy is to ‘take care’ of your man because you love him, because it is the right thing to do, and because it ultimately takes care of you. I have shared this to many of how when a wife lovingly and happily makes her man’s needs a priority, her relationship with him can flourish. In order to create an environment where our partners feel safe and valued we must be willing to give of ourselves. This giving of self can take many forms. The playful package of Show Up Naked with Food has evolved as I have learned over and over how pervasive the issue is of husbands feeling physically deprived. I have witnessed how in marriages neglect leads to neglect, hurt to hurt, and selfishness to selfishness. As I have tried to convince wives of making more of an effort to not be as selfish, particularly in the bedroom because this is where I have seen this mostly occurs, I am confident that when done in light of a decent man your chances for fortifying your marriage are much greater.

In a world that is incredibly sexually charged and where it seems the only resources to discuss sex are found in trashy magazines, I was hoping to provide a forum where people will not hear graphic details and unnecessary filth, but rather where they can discuss intimacy in the context of a committed relationship called marriage. No marriage is perfect, certainly some come close, but every relationship has its weak areas or places for improvement. This blog is here to extend ideas and thoughts of how to help wives build their marriages. I personally am far from perfect! And I want to take a moment to expound on this fact and acknowledge some lessons I have learned in light of starting this blog.

It has been brought to my attention that I have, while unintentionally, made some people feel uncomfortable and even judged with some of my words. I think the concepts I am trying to capture are difficult. There are so many different situations in life and only you as the reader can consider yours against some of my opinions. I guess I made the assumption that readers would understand that this blog is specifically themed and not intended to be all encompassing. I have also learned that often people hear what you don’t write even more than what you do and that even if you do write something you can’t totally control what message people will take away.

I hope to be more thoughtful and diligent on my end. For example, when I used the ‘once a day’ suggestion I really meant to take care of your husband however often he desires it and determine between the two of you if you need to improve the amount that you do share intimacy with one another for his and your benefit.

I was asked to blog my marriage soapbox by many friends who had implemented these concepts, tested and proved them and thrilled, felt others should hear what I had to say. Initially, I sent it out to only a few people. I got such positive feedback that I got excited and sent it out many more. While I have received a lot of applause for my efforts and many people are telling me this is needed, I have to admit I am laughing at how ‘silly’ I am at times.

Picture this, I am out and about and bump into someone that I know I sent my blog invite to… we smile and say hi and they say nothing about my seemingly controversial writings and I start to think of how many different scenarios that are possible. My first thought is I hope I have not offended them, then I consider that perhaps it just isn’t a big deal to them either way, but my last thought brings some color into my cheeks… what if they think I am some crazy nympho? I have to laugh at myself inside and realize I am one dorky kid and then mentally reassure that I should be proud of the fact that my man and I adore one another and that these concepts help feed our love life and brings us closer. The only reason for my ‘bravery’ in sharing my thoughts so publically is because of my desire to try and share what I have found to be so true. But let me say, I have learned a lot this past week. Thanks for being patient with me as I fumble my way. Now stop reading this and go love up your partner! ;)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

King of the Castle


Certainly some men maybe better cooks then their wives or perhaps they enjoy the task of cooking. Your family may like the effort of making dinner together and participating equally. Maybe the woman works and the man is the only option for chief. At our house, I make dinner and my husband offers to do dishes. Whatever the arrangement, preparing food and doting on your husband because you adore him often reads: I LOVE YOU!

I am all about girl power. I DON’T think women HAVE to do the chores or are made to be in an apron their entire life, but I have seen first-hand how having a ‘can do’ attitude in making my house a home sets a mood for my family to take pride in our living space. To a man there is little more self esteem building then when he is made to feel like the King of his castle. Here are some fun ideas to help make him feel extra special around meal time:

- Make his favorites: My husband likes meat and potatoes and I prefer salad and sushi but even though I choose the menu, I make a grand effort to offer him options regularly that I know he will enjoy.

- Put some effort into the production: Try not to just serve it on a paper plate or in front of the television because it doesn’t make it feel very special.

- Offer variety: Look for new recipes and try different dishes so that your dinners are exciting and your family looks forward to something new. Expanding your abilities to cook well start with experimentation and being brave.

The GREATEST way to make your husband feel like he has died and gone to heaven is to show up with a plate of fruit and chocolate in your bedroom and make sure you arrive naked. ;)