Monday, April 26, 2010

Withholding as Punishment

This is a very serious topic for me just because it really breaks my heart. I feel it can literally be a form a spouse abuse. Put it this way, if a man is emotionally abusive and withholds love and affection people are quick to talk about what a jerk he is and that dirty laundry gets aired quickly. But if a woman withholds sex from her partner there doesn’t seem to be the same reaction or acknowledgment of how abusive this really is. I literally know couples that get sexually intimate once or maybe twice a year. Every intentional example of a sexless relationship I have ever known about personally, has been created and dictated by the woman. This is tragic. Many people in society feel this is grounds for divorce.

I find it unthinkable to use sex as a form of punishment. It is like the only tool of control most women have and they know this weapon can get a man on his knees. It can leave a man to internalize this devastating rejection as meaning that he is not attractive enough or good enough for love. This leads to shame and then of course no one wants to share a serious issue of shame which leaves the man without any social support of any kind for what he is going through. Even if he did confide in someone, it is not very likely that the confidant could affect any change. How can anyone say something about such a private and intimate issue? So he is all alone to bare the tragic consequences of the cruel and evil act of withholding. Experts actually encourage people to leave romantic relationships that are sexless.

So please, please, please consider this unjust punishment as one of the worst things you can do to your marriage. Do not make this mistake. You will find that the love in your relationship will be severely affected and you will be to blame.

A famous play written as anciently as 411 B.C., has a plot where the Spartan and Athenian women agree to withhold sex from their husbands until the two warring city-states make peace. Now if your withholding has a righteous purpose like that… well then you my friend, are the true exception! Please make sure to let me know so I can stand corrected. But unless you are creating world peace and or involved in the United Nations’ efforts for conflict resolution make sure you NEVER withhold as a punishment!


  1. Thanks for posting this. My dad lived in his second marriage for 20 years with a woman who did exactly this. Once or twice a month, she would do her wifely "duty" which only served to make him feel like a complete creep and addict because she clearly showed her disgust for him both in their intimacy and in simple day to day shows of affection. And she had the audacity to tell him that he had a problem, an addiction that he required therapy.
    Luckily, she left him when he started to wise up to the fact that the problem might not just be him. Now, two years later, he's just beginning to see how abusive this relationship really was.

  2. I should get married to a Mormon girl just to test these principles. Love it Linds!