The Blame Game

I have had comments from several female readers about the fact that this blog should address more about what men should be doing to make their wives happy. I would love to invite guys to write comments or speak to this- so please send me your thoughts fellas! My intention for starting this blog was to get us wives to stop thinking about ourselves and our version of “the story” and to start thinking about the men we married in order to improve our marriages. If we each really considered how we can better love the other, rather than how we should or ought to be loved by them, there would not be as many broken homes and broken hearts.

Victor Hugo wrote beautifully, “Do I exist for my own happiness? No, my whole existence is devoted to her, even in spite of her.” We’d all actually find our own happiness created more easily if we had this attitude of adoration for our spouses.

Blame is one of the most destructive aspects of humanity. When I have a “problem” with someone or something it is always a good indicator that it is time for me to take a hard look in the mirror.

Let me share with you a story that happened to me a month or so back in my marriage. Picture this:

It is late Friday night, I have worked a 60 hour week and am consequently exhausted and climb into bed talking with my husband about all the things we have to do and take care of tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is Saturday and I have a million obligations and because both my husband and I work and we both share in running the household/taking care of our two boys, we rarely have time for weekend fun these days. I ask him what his day is like tomorrow in an effort to coordinate our schedules and the kids. He doesn’t mention anything in particular. I proceed to tell him how stressed I feel and even overwhelmed lately. He listens politely and we go to sleep.

Early in the morning about 6AM or so I am woken up to my husband all decked out in his snowmobiling clothes. He leans over me and kisses me on the cheek and asks if he can go snowmobiling with his friends for the day and will be back at about 5PM that night. I am wide awake and this point and pretty frustrated. Not because he wants to go snowmobiling but because he obviously intentionally didn’t mention these plans late the night before when I specifically asked him.

I share with him my confusion and frustration but he and I both know he was just “handling” me. He didn’t want to deal with asking me last night when I was clearly feeling overwhelmed. He wanted to wait until the last possible moment, with his gear adorned and a ride on the way.

I immediately start thinking up a series of self justifications as to why I have every right to be upset with him. I am now going to be the BAD guy, and I resent this- so I tell him he can do whatever he wants to do. (WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS) If he goes HE’LL be the bad guy so he is left with no choice. He stayed home and helped me with our extensive list of errands. It was a yucky situation and we were both grumpy for an hour or so.

My being frustrated with him gave me a hint that I should consider thinking about his reasons. I then engaged in some serious self introspection and realize that I must be the type of wife that he feels he has to “handle” sometimes. I must be difficult to communicate with me sometimes, especially about his desire to get some sporting enjoyment occasionally out of our busy lives (which is another thing a lot of guys need/want...by the way) and certainly I don’t always make him feel 100% safe to approach me when I am verbally vomiting my stressors to him late at night. When I truly considered this about myself I totally got over being upset and actually felt badly for him and focused on how much I WANT him to go snowmobiling on the weekends with his pals. I WANT to make him happy and do everything in my power to allow him life's pleasures.

My change in attitude was matched and even outmatched by my adorable husband who came to me apologizing and saying he was sorry for being selfish and he acknowledged me for all that I do for our family and how he wants for me to have a turn to enjoy myself for the weekend. We kissed, hugged, and both apologized profusely. It wasn’t until each of us thought about the other person that our conflict was no more!

Some incredibly influential books and teachings about how we can learn to overcome our tendency of having the problem of not knowing WE have a problem have been offered by Arbinger Institue “Arbinger is a worldwide consulting company and think-tank comprised of people who have been trained in business, law, economics, philosophy, the family, education, coaching, and psychology." In their books, they capture the idea of “self-deception” and how all of us get into this pit fall.

When we are self-deceived we exonerate ourselves by placing blame or finding fault with others. If we talk about all the wrong others do and how they need to be better we merely use these conversations to justify our own short-comings. However, if we can overcome our self-deception, it often acts as the primary way of helping others overcome theirs.

So my sweet lady readers, while absolutely our husbands could improve- since I am not a husband, I am not sure it would be too effective for me to write about what THEY should do. Perhaps I will get some thoughtful men to write more on that as per your requests! Thanks for reading.

"The point of it all, the reason for our concerns about these matters, is not to polish ourselves to a nonhuman perfection, but to stand self-forgetfully and conscience-free in the light and to recover our balance quickly if we start to fall." - Arbinger Institute