Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Powerful Tie that Binds


I want to share another important response to my blog because perhaps there are others that feel the same. By the way, I really appreciate hearing from you. Feel free to make comments directly on the blog or you can email me personally. I may not be able to respond to all but your voice is helpful and welcome.

This reader pointed out something I wanted to address, she wrote, “You say this advice won’t work for everyone, and that’s fair. Obviously, for (my husband) and me right now, it’s not realistic. But when I see what you write and the comments that other people post, I get the distinct impression that I don’t relate because I don’t measure up. I never felt like there were any problems in my marriage or that I was neglecting my “wifely duties” until I saw this blog and the comments. It made me feel bad for (my husband), that he got stuck with a girl who gets migraines, has anxiety, and not a ton of energy. But then I remembered that HE gets migraines, too, and he runs out of energy just like me. We communicate about everything, and I think we’re on the same page as far as our sexual activity goes. We’re not perfect, but we’re doing our best.”

Dear reader, you are awesome for communicating about everything with your husband. I am sure it is one of the biggest reasons for your successful relationship. I am sorry that you feel badly about things written in this blog. They were never intended to hurt anyone’s feelings. NO ONE is perfect! No marriage is perfect! And there is no PERFECT answer for everything. I have just observed that unlike you and your husband, many couples are NOT on the same page as far as their sexual activity goes and many marriages suffer because of this fact.

Therapist Jane Greer, is quoted saying, “Marriage has changed, in the old days the husband was the breadwinner. The wife had the expectation of raising the children and pleasing him. Now they're both working and both taking care of the children, and they're too exhausted and resentful to have sex."

Some husbands have not speed up to this century where in most households women are also employed and yet these miraculous females are still raising children and are striving to be the best homemakers they know to be. These guys somehow think they can prop their feet up while “mother” does everything.

In my experience, the happiest marriages seem to be the ones where couples equally take on the work load, regardless of how it is divided. Here is a little tip for the men folk out there that will hopefully motivate them into stepping it up- The University of Washington’s research showed that those husbands who help more with household tasks have better sex lives with their wives.

On the flip side, I will say that I pity the poor hopeful husband that considers how he can maneuver some wifely attention at the end of his day who must somehow seduce his Mrs. who is not only economically independent, numbingly familiar with his ‘moves’, frustrated that he hasn’t cleaned the house to her liking, and chronically tired from her difficult days, but is also programmed to believe she should only be physical with him if she jolly well feels like it. It just seems like a hard win which really spells to me a hard win for the blessed institution called marriage.

In her book The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele Weiner Davis, writes of the importance physical intimacy plays in the husband- wife relationship, "When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds."

1 comment:

  1. I am new to the blog, so forgive me for coming late to the game on this post, but I would venture a thought that perhaps should not be over-looked. If there is a feeling that it could be better, respond to it, it’s coming from somewhere. It is quite likely many people have read the articles here and feel pretty good about where they are. If you get a hunch it could be better then make it better. Where is the harm in that? What's the worst that could possibly happen from both partners being more loving and appreciative of each other?

    I appreciate the blog and the comments, even as a guy, I truly see this as a two-way street.

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