Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Importance of Novelty

Research has shown that novelty in life can equal happiness. New experiences create dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. These are the same chemicals generated in early romantic love and even the same potent stuff that come with drugs and other additions.

So rather than eating out at the same old places, going to the same old movie theatre, and spending time with the same old friends, research is suggesting that married couples need to tailor their date nights around new, different, and exciting. Injecting novelty into your relationship is incredibly important to your marriage.

“We don’t really know what’s going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s enabling you to feel more romantic love,” - anthropologist Helen E. Fisher.

Men want to emotionally connect to us... and if this is (and often is) by way of activity behind closed doors then perhaps start there. You don't have to get crazy just maybe try being more cleaver about your approach and how you romance him.

The Loving Wives club heard about my blog and sent me the cutest gift package for the holiday season. I was so impressed with how clean and how cleaver they have been with MARRIED friendly and adorable ideas on how to romance your guy. Please visit their website at http://romanticmarriages.com/

I will blog more about their products and hopefully give all of you loving wives ideas from their amazing work. I am so appreciative of women who are out there trying to fortify marriages- especially when there are so many distractions out there today. Two Thumbs up for Romantic Marriages.com!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Issues of Pornography

The discussion of the harms of pornography was the topic at hand when I recently made a comment in a public religious setting in hopes to share insight into my “show up naked with food” ideology. While I prefaced my comment, I learned later that some of the people present were apparently offended by what I said. In fact, one man publically corrected me later. I understand why people didn’t hear what I was saying, perhaps I should have been be more clear and more diligent about explaining my thoughts, but I do know that all of us hear through our own filters. I also know that this is a sensitive issue and that many wives are hurting because of the evils of pornography.

I said that while there are certainly different circumstances, for example some men come into marriages with pornography additions, and that everyone has their agency… I wonder if sometimes as women we can consider our part in our creating an environment where temptations are lessened in our marriages. I mentioned that it is a real physiological need for men to have physical intimacy, as real as needing relief from going to the bathroom, and that as women sometimes it is just not on our radar. I spoke to the fact that our lives get bombarded with the needs of children and a busy day and it is sometimes just not something we care to give attention to and that I wonder if sometimes we could be more diligent about making that need of our husbands a priority.

What I was trying to convey was that maybe we can examine our part in things, maybe we can consider if this is something we do better, maybe we can consider the effects of the lack of physical intimacy on our husbands and consider if maybe we add unnecessary temptation in their lives. What some people heard, apparently, is that it is the wives fault…. and that is just NOT what I am saying. That is NEVER what this blog is about. It isn’t about blame, it is just about accountability. Accountability for our part in this amazing union called marriage. It is indeed a partnership so let’s focus on our PART in that partnership.

If you are religious or not I thought I would share a biblical reference about how we can create added temptation by withholding. The scripture 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 says,

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

Paul is issuing a warning about separating physically, stating that temptations may come into the marriage when couples do so.

As far as the issue of pornography, the man who corrected me is completely correct, he shared that research has shown that a women being more physically involved with her husband will not help a man with a pornography addiction. This is absolutely true because addiction is very serious and is something that needs full-on professional help. Many women who deal with this issue in marriage already feel guilt and worry that it is their fault because they fear they are not attractive enough. Please dear women, do NOT think this is what I am saying. Again addiction cannot be helped by you! What I am trying to bring up is merely how, and research has shown as well, that there is a correlation with the lack of physical intimacy and temptation. So to restate what I am saying, making sure you are showing up naked with food does not mean you can fix or cause or make anyone do anything. I am just convinced that we can make things easier or harder on the men we are married to. So hopefully to help avoid addiction issues later, let’s be there for our men. Let’s do our part. Let’s make an environment in our marriages that is loving and supportive.

I am pretty sure that if I had said something about how maybe as women we can take extra precaution to make sure our home environments are clear of temptations like lingerie magazines, movies with even mild sexual content, and if we made added efforts for the spiritual activities- no one would have been offended. I don’t believe that what upset people was my pointing to the fact that maybe we can do more to help- I think it is because I brought up the part that most women and people do not like to talk about. This to me screams how needed this conversation is! Why didn’t they just hear what I said and say to themselves, well that is just not the case in my marriage? Or, I see the value in what she is saying but we need to be careful of making women feel blamed for these issues (which I agree is important). Instead, people were upset, offended, and LAREGELY disagreed. The words were, “that is just NOT True!”

Good thing all of you as readers can make up your own minds. That is the beauty of freedom of speech. Let me know your thoughts. All comments are posted. Thanks!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What if HE doesn’t want it?

So Show Up Naked with Food certainly speaks to the fact that all men WANT IT!!! But what if your man doesn’t fit the bill of the sex craved male? What if HE doesn’t want it and you do? I had one reader ask that exact question. While my blog is fairly generalized there are most definitely couples and people that this will not pertain to. See my warning at the bottom of this blog! So if he just isn’t interested in physical intimacy as much as you are try for starters asking yourself why… is it because your marriage is strained in other areas? Do you nag and disrespect him? Is he going through a stressful time financially or otherwise? How is his health? How is your emotional connection to him? Is your relationship set to the tone of romance? Are you making efforts to make him feel like a man and make yourself the woman he would want? Or perhaps is there nothing wrong with him, you, or your relationship but rather he just isn’t full of those hormones most guys are? Maybe consider how extreme his lack of desire is…. according to this site 1/3 of marriages suffer from mismatched sexual desire.

I liked what was written there, "About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.” Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling."

Either way, if you both are happy than don’t worry about it, don’t worry about keeping up with the Joneses in the bedroom because that is your mommy and daddy time and no one can dictate was is the right or wrong amount of sex to be having. My blog is just here to say that MOST GUYS want it more than you are having it! If this is not the case for you guys than no worries. But be real with yourself. Is he just saying he is ok with the lack of frequency of special time because he loves you, is unselfish, protecting your feelings, or is he really just not raring to go? Try soliciting him. Make the move. Try everyday and see how interested he is and then you will know for sure. My guess is a lot of guys will be thrilled at the new attention and you will be thrilled at the results in your marriage.