Monday, October 18, 2010

Issues of Pornography

The discussion of the harms of pornography was the topic at hand when I recently made a comment in a public religious setting in hopes to share insight into my “show up naked with food” ideology. While I prefaced my comment, I learned later that some of the people present were apparently offended by what I said. In fact, one man publically corrected me later. I understand why people didn’t hear what I was saying, perhaps I should have been be more clear and more diligent about explaining my thoughts, but I do know that all of us hear through our own filters. I also know that this is a sensitive issue and that many wives are hurting because of the evils of pornography.

I said that while there are certainly different circumstances, for example some men come into marriages with pornography additions, and that everyone has their agency… I wonder if sometimes as women we can consider our part in our creating an environment where temptations are lessened in our marriages. I mentioned that it is a real physiological need for men to have physical intimacy, as real as needing relief from going to the bathroom, and that as women sometimes it is just not on our radar. I spoke to the fact that our lives get bombarded with the needs of children and a busy day and it is sometimes just not something we care to give attention to and that I wonder if sometimes we could be more diligent about making that need of our husbands a priority.

What I was trying to convey was that maybe we can examine our part in things, maybe we can consider if this is something we do better, maybe we can consider the effects of the lack of physical intimacy on our husbands and consider if maybe we add unnecessary temptation in their lives. What some people heard, apparently, is that it is the wives fault…. and that is just NOT what I am saying. That is NEVER what this blog is about. It isn’t about blame, it is just about accountability. Accountability for our part in this amazing union called marriage. It is indeed a partnership so let’s focus on our PART in that partnership.

If you are religious or not I thought I would share a biblical reference about how we can create added temptation by withholding. The scripture 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 says,

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

Paul is issuing a warning about separating physically, stating that temptations may come into the marriage when couples do so.

As far as the issue of pornography, the man who corrected me is completely correct, he shared that research has shown that a women being more physically involved with her husband will not help a man with a pornography addiction. This is absolutely true because addiction is very serious and is something that needs full-on professional help. Many women who deal with this issue in marriage already feel guilt and worry that it is their fault because they fear they are not attractive enough. Please dear women, do NOT think this is what I am saying. Again addiction cannot be helped by you! What I am trying to bring up is merely how, and research has shown as well, that there is a correlation with the lack of physical intimacy and temptation. So to restate what I am saying, making sure you are showing up naked with food does not mean you can fix or cause or make anyone do anything. I am just convinced that we can make things easier or harder on the men we are married to. So hopefully to help avoid addiction issues later, let’s be there for our men. Let’s do our part. Let’s make an environment in our marriages that is loving and supportive.

I am pretty sure that if I had said something about how maybe as women we can take extra precaution to make sure our home environments are clear of temptations like lingerie magazines, movies with even mild sexual content, and if we made added efforts for the spiritual activities- no one would have been offended. I don’t believe that what upset people was my pointing to the fact that maybe we can do more to help- I think it is because I brought up the part that most women and people do not like to talk about. This to me screams how needed this conversation is! Why didn’t they just hear what I said and say to themselves, well that is just not the case in my marriage? Or, I see the value in what she is saying but we need to be careful of making women feel blamed for these issues (which I agree is important). Instead, people were upset, offended, and LAREGELY disagreed. The words were, “that is just NOT True!”

Good thing all of you as readers can make up your own minds. That is the beauty of freedom of speech. Let me know your thoughts. All comments are posted. Thanks!


  1. Lindsay some people just don't get it and you can't fix stupid, that's DNA stuff. Some people will always want to filter controversy because that's where they are most comfortable, and they want to deflect from their own truth and not be accountable to themselves. Others like me, will say nope, not so applicable to me on this occasion, or yup, nailed on that one.... because we genuinely want to learn and improve. The topics on this blog can be very in your face and you're going to get people kicking and screaming. You may not be right about all things relationships but that's the have an open forum for people to share their experiences, we will agree or disagree but always with respect and the genuine hope that your and my experiences might help further a relationship somewhere else or maybe just our own marriages.

  2. LET me just say That "IT IS TRUE!" Agreeing with the above made comment, that in certain cultures this topic is taboo! Mine included, which is sometimes a sore spot with me. Speaking from a man's perspective, I agree with every word that you wrote on the subject. I can definitely see how others might feel uncomfortable about it (the same reason people think that when a man has an 'affair' he is the only one to blame.

    The strength, confidence and optimism that comes from being secure in your relationship is a real and genuine thing and for a great majority of men, sexual intimacy is the step stone to that security.

    When a man does not feel secure (free from or not exposed to danger or harm; SAFE! - directly from the dictionary) in his relationships hardships, trials, adversity and temptations become more threatening and more difficult to deal with.