Monday, November 15, 2010

A Husband's Thoughts

One of my readers sent me some thoughts about the topic of pornography. He comes from a very religious community and talks about how taboo the subject is in his circle.

“I believe there is a process of suppression that people instigate as a protective mechanism from the images and words that are pornographic. Good or bad? They choose not to talk about or acknowledge it, but how do you introduce the subject in casual conversation without killing it or making it vile? When brought up in conversation it throws people out of their comfort zone. Pornography is mysterious, its sex, it’s curious, it’s bad, it’s exciting. After all its 2 people making love albeit in ways I will never do it and in groups and same sex...whatever.
Sometimes I am curious about the way other people have sex. I don’t visit these sites to find out but that’s not to say I’m not curious. Am I a closet pornographer?I agree that women need to satiate their husbands (not only in bed) to keep a marriage alive. But I will also say that a husband needs to work just as hard to maintain a healthy marriage and also not through sex. We (husbands) can’t hide behind the Priesthood, or, I’m the man of the house clause, or do as I say, line. It doesn’t work that way. For me it doesn’t work for my wife to not have a voice in our partnership, or if we flip that, she can’t be talking crap at me all day either.

Sure, I put forward my best persona when I was dating my wife. What? Was I really going to give her both barrels of full disclosure..... My porn career is alive and well but with my wife. If we agree one night that I’m going to parade as Tarzan, then damn it I will! There is nothing that happens in our marriage without both of us agreeing to it. I don’t know the answers to avoiding pornographic material I don’t understand the addiction side of it but unless there is full disclosure and open communication mixed with sensitivity and love, it’s going to be a long road in a relationship. If it’s not porn it’s going to be something else.

I’ve mentioned in this blog that my wife and I endure a marriage bound by some seriously strong threads that include communication and honesty, and all developed over time. There are so many innocuous events in our lives that cause each of us to compare, size up, judge, and to think about the disparity in our relationships. Apart from the wonderful qualities my wife developed before she met me and during her time with me, her quality of beauty is also determined by the crap women who have entered my life. The crap relationships I’ve seen. I mention this here to offer a possible why to pornography. You know the phrase, you can’t know the sweet without knowing the sour?I have never believed that Lindsay has ever said that showing up naked with food meant that women should give in and placate the husband, keep the peace by capitulating, spreading her legs to be obedient, giving up her identity, her voice etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. If that is the perspective you achieve from this blog or if that is the perspective you want in your life and about your role in your marriage then it should not surprise you your husband is going to be a tosser. I can’t be stale about my role in this partnership. My best persona did not wither or disappear because of marriage, it’s improving or my relationship is heading south.”
I love to hear what guys think about it, so it was fun to get one husband's perspective. Let me know your thoughts...


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I agree with this guy fully. We have to have an open, honest dialogue about porn. As with sex in general, the mysterious aspect of the taboo topic can work against us; the fight against porn is hard enough as it is.

    I think the trick is avoiding the path at all costs, and being totally honest once a step down the path is taken so that as a couple the step can be taken back immediately.