Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where did she go?

One feisty feminist talked about how her heart was softened when her husband said, “'What happened to this lover I married? Where did she go?” This person use to counsel her girl friends to have sex only when, where and how they want it, regardless of their partner's feelings. She gained the sudden awareness that, often, this isn't just about thoughtless men expecting sex on tap, but that as women, we use sex to punish, to withhold and to send coded 'You're not getting it right' messages instead of communicating our true feelings. And we are literally destroying our marriages.

While some women go on an undeclared sex strike through resentment over unwashed dishes, neglected duties, disappointment, plenty more don't know what caused their once-passionate desire to wither away. Maybe it is just that many ladies don't have a particularly high libido to begin with. Maybe during the falling in love state they were given a huge boost by the hormonal cocktail of cupid. But after a few years or even sooner, she reverts back to normal, leaving her poor passionate partner totally stranded and in trouble.

According to tons of research done on married women… it is the simple matter of Just Doing It! Women simply choosing to have sex, rather than waiting for an incredibly sexual urge seems to be a very powerful tool in helping make your marriage go right. People might look at it as a modern version of 'lie back and think of happy thoughts'. Many women today freak out about the idea of women feeling sexually obligated. HERE IS THE CRITICAL POINT… for many women being physically touched is the only way to get that engine running. I have had many honest admissions from women that unless decide to do it, they would never. But when activity mode is turned to “ON” the sex is often as good as they could imagine.

And at the end of the day, Show Up Naked with Food is preaching that it is a matter of just choosing to show your special man that you do indeed love him - even if you don’t always feel like it.


  1. This column rocks. After I got married, I became that girl. The one who had to be touched before getting turned on and who had to decide to do it or it would never happen. I have always had a really great sex life (I married well), but it was a choice. Here is my theory...before marriage, I was horny horny horny. I kept my virginity until marriage so I always assumed that maybe once you get it, the sex drive drops. (??) BUT...I became super horny when I was pregnant. OK, so pregnancy makes you horny. Then, I was still super horny after pregnancy. I was dying for the six week time limit and actually broke it. It was like it was when I was before I got married. Then....I got back on birth control and the whole thing is back to how it was pre baby and post marriage; I need to make the decision to have sex and really get into it before I'm actually turned on.

    Coincidence? Doubt it. Regardless, this advice rocks. We need to give our men some suga regardless. And ideally, we will love it once we get into it. (If not, then a second discussion on teaching and insisting men do us right it in order) Sex is crucial to a happy marriage. But if you are one of those needing to be touched-ers, I'd look into ways to forgo the pill.

  2. I walked into a lobby full of bikini models this morning who are all lined up for a casting call (not yet in their bikinis, thankfully). The rest of the office is like junior high all over again with grown men snickering and competing for the best one-liners. I've felt very unattractive in response to all this (having a cold isn't helping), yet also very annoyed at the objectification and lack of respect.
    What Lindsay is talking about is a very emotionally complicated process. I agree with what is being said, but there are so many layers. I recognize that I have my own issues with never really fitting the stereotypical "sexy" but am very confident in who I am. Many men put on a show in front of other men about how macho they are. I spend so much of my time with men, being the only female, and hearing this kind of talk. It's almost like there are two kinds of women: those who are respected, and those who are objects of pleasure -- and I've always preferred respect. It wasn't until my own marriage that I realized one woman can be both for one man. I still have to remind myself of that. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. It's possible to be a respectable sexpot, both a friend and a lover, without losing ground in your marriage. And never let immature boys and their locker room talk confuse you. That's how they impress their peers, it's not really about us. So as wives we need to understand WHY there's a lack, then we can address it and move past it. In my case, its more often mental.

  3. If my wife had not changed in the 15 years we have known each other I would have so dropped her by now and its only fair the same is said of me. Marriage is as much about evolution as anything else, sex in a marriage is about evolution too. Foreplay is no longer, "are you awake?", I've learned that finessing a night of sex starts in the morning and usually involves a couple of loads of washing through the day, a vacuum and dinner. At this point I'm no-where near touching her yet as she is like the hindenberg, one small unintended flicker of intent and it could all go up in flames.
    I could put on a macho show to impress the other guys but am I going to go home and sleep with way! Sometimes not about "where did she go?" but "what does he know after 5,10,15 years?" I like the challenge of turning my wife on.