Thursday, December 22, 2011

And to All a Good Night

Ok, so in the spirit of the holidays and starting a new year etc. I have to admit to something I am not very proud of... that is that recently… I haven't been Practicing What I Preach as much as I should.

This blog is my effort to bolster marriages, help wives on their quest to be more loving, more charitable, more romantic, and happier. My marriage "prescriptions" are not the only way to do things, but I do feel deeply in my core the truth in the essence of what I am trying to convey, which is a message of other centrism. What is it that makes your man happy, and when you figure that out- just do it! Loose ourselves in our marriage and serve our partner in ways we may not be paying attention to, go the extra mile, little efforts matter, don’t hold back intimacy, even if it isn’t our priority… give of ourselves…. LOVE!!! This is the intention of Show Up Naked With Food.

I have had woman and even men tell me how they disagree with what I write on this blog. I appreciate their opinions very much. In fact, it has been a great gift to me to hear other points of view and above all realize how difficult it is to express these concepts. It has been my experience that when I get to speak in depth with someone about this blog, I really haven’t had anyone disagree or feel adverse to its intention. My language and writing skills often are limiting, but it has been a joy for me to reiterate a theme of the “Golden Rule” wrapped in the catch phrase “Show Up Naked With Food”.

I have moved to a new country and am living here with my two boys and husband. We have wonderful family and friends around us. We have had challenges, like most, with the recession and the stressful grind of the everyday lifestyle of two parents working, little children that need 24 hour care, and all the rest that is typical for most has been harder this year than any in the past. Time slips away, the sun comes up ridiculously early and my boys wake up at the crack of dawn (5:30-6AM). There seems to be very little time for husband and wife.

Now I am aware that for everything there is a season, and it isn’t like it was in the early days as newly-weds when all we had was time for each other. We have entered into a new phase in life and it merits spreading our attention various ways. However, where I feel I need to confess is that I just could be doing a better job and am needing to recommit to these ideals and affirm in me again how much happier I am when I make the choices to prioritize my marriage and my husband.

It isn’t just about making sure the marital bed is in good use, or making a lovely meal each night. It is about my way of being with my spouse that matters. If your hubby loves to cook and you two are happy with him always doing it- great! If your husband doesn’t have a strong sex drive like most men, and once a week is plenty to keep his love bank full- then swell. I am just pleading with woman today (and myself here) to reevaluate how we justify not doing the courteous and loving things that make our marriage GO RIGHT!

I am not perfect, I am sure most are not. But I have to step it up for my spouse, my children, those around that might look to us as examples, and above all for my own well being. Life is about pressing on, growing, and not giving up. So welcome the beautiful holidays that for my family will be filled with amazing foods to enjoy and lots of attention to the amazing man I married.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT (if you know what I mean) xoxo

Thursday, November 3, 2011

You Don't Have to Take My Word For It

In the old school children's tv show Reading Rainbow, the host LeVar Burton would always endorse some great book but then he'd finish with his catch phrase, "But you don't have to take my word for it..." which would usher in various interviews with children reviewing the said literature.

So in the spirit of LeVar- if you'd like to explore what others are saying about being selfless in your marriage... Here are some other great Blogs about "Showing up Naked With Food" in your marriage.





Thanks to my pal Emily for forwarding these to me! xoxo

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Vulnerable

Let's be more vulnerable in our relationships. Please watch this video.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

How Important is Sex?



One reader sent this article to me. Another reader sent me this question and I love it because I can so relate!

"So I have been keeping up on your posts, and I love them. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who has this question that I wanted to bring up to you, just to consider as a topic for your blog. My biggest challenge with an active sex life is that for the 6 years before we got married, I was every bit as horny as he was, and looked forward to having a long make-out, or more every time I saw him. And of course the beginning of our marriage was that way too. I don't know if it was the birth control, or the fact that it's no longer taboo to have sex or what, but that constant buzzing of hotness isn't there anymore. I used to feel turned on when he'd just stroke my arm. Now it feels like I have to pull my sex drive out of the freezer, warm it up, then let it rev a while before I'm ready to go out for a spin. If that makes sense.

Now granted, I still try and throw myself into a quicky on a regular basis, and he is a patient guy. Every time we have sex, he makes sure I enjoy it is much as he does. But, it would just be soooo much easier if I had that same heightened level of arousal that I had for 6 years leading up to our marriage. I swear I'm not defective. I still find my husband attractive, but it just takes me so much more to get going. Which makes it harder to want to start the process of getting me warmed up after a long day. Any tips you've found that work in increasing the sex drive? After all, women reach their sexual prime in their late 20's and early 30's, and I feel like I've gone backward!!"

I have seen so many articles and forums where women express the exact same feelings and experience. When I was first married I swear as I was a man in how much I needed "IT". I still love love love sexy time but it is such a different dynamic than it was in the begining. I personally think it HAS to be this way or we would be jumping eachothers bones so much we wouldn't get anything done. Mother Nature must pull the hormone cocktail off the table at sometime in order for us to progress as a human race. People in marriage still enjoy it well into their twilight years (yep, I know for a lot of people that is yucky to think about so don't think to much about it.) But I sure hope as an old gal, I am game! I think there is a sweetness that comes with physical intimacy that is hard to match, especially in a loving and safe marriage.

So dear reader, you are super normal, from all I have read and what the experts are indicating with research... but it sounds like you have the right attitude. You have to romance yourself and get your "head in the game". Here are some of the tips I found online:

#1. Eat healthy
#2. Exercise
#3. Reduce obligations
#4. Get enough sleep
#5. Get connected

Another thing to consider if you find you really really have a low libido is to see a medical professional, there are somethings they might be able to help bring back that "lovin' feeling".

Predictor of Happiness

Just another example that about how Showing up Naked with Food can help your relationship. One of my dear friends sent me this article.

“Researchers, who studied responses from adults in the United States, Brazil, Germany, Japan and Spain, also discovered that men were more likely to be happy in their relationship and that frequent kissing or cuddling was an accurate predictor of happiness for men.”

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Your thoughts?

We are whiplashed between an arrogant overestimation of ourselves and a servile underestimation of ourselves. – Paker Palmer
Do you ever feel this way? Do you feel like it is hard to maintain a balance of self awareness that is helpful in how you interact with others, particularly with your husband? I think it is human to feel like everything is your fault or nothing is your fault. There is a real skill in taking ownership in your marriage without taking all the blame. Blame is never helpful but positive change to help things go right sure is.

What are some ways women can take more responsibility in how happy they are in their marriages? Does showing up naked with food help? Would love to know your thoughts…

Roast Chicken for 2



A friend of mine sent this link to me. It is fun for my blog because it is a man confirming the importance men place on food on sexual attention. He provides in the article a really yummy recipe for Roast Chicken and encourages sex while the sucker is roasting. He has had great feedback from people saying that it is a fun concept and has helped people with connecting in their marriages.

I thought I would share it and would love to hear your thoughts. One thing is for sure, life is all about relationships and anything we can do to put tender attention to our marriage relationship is great in my "cook" book.

Enjoy!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Misandry- or the hatred of men

For those of us who live in the first world, we don’t live in the world where our grandmothers lived in. We are lucky. In the global economic race women are either equal or more successful than men- believe it or not. This speaker of a 2010 Ted Talk says, “The over 200,000 year period where men have been top dog is truly coming to an end.”

I like to consider both sides of things and hope to strive to lend compassion to my wonderful male counter parts. We tend to think of women, throughout history, as always having had the short end of the stick. Warren Farrel submits that both men and women were enslaved by gender roles. Just as women were stuck in a role of obedient property of men, man was stuck in the role of workhorse provider and family protector that often led 2 his death, either when he was forced to work in coal mines, or when he was drafted into the army. Still, 95% of workplace deaths are male, an issue that feminism does not address.

Warren Farrel has been a champion of women. He only realized recently in his life that every time a woman criticized a man, he supported her, saying she was strong and independent, but whenever a man criticized a woman, he called him a misogynist. After much reflection, he realized that feminism had gotten things wrong. He now supports a "gender role transition movement" instead. I think he presents a very balanced view. Listen to his interview here.
I read a comment online that said, “Consider the fact that you never hear banging on about how there aren't enough women sweeping the streets or digging for coal. Maybe only men get the pleasure? Have you ever heard a single feminist complain about the male-female ratio on oil rigs?” I think that double edged swords can be an issue in feminism and I like to consider the ramifications.

Someone said this to me once about comparing the accomplishments of men and women. “If I was to get penguins and horses on a track and race them I'd be a crazy person. Yet this is exactly what society is doing with men and women. Penguins are brilliant swimmers, but you'd never see that on a track.”

I adore the writer Marianne Williamson. I heard her speak in person once and she said, “I hope women will ask the question of not how much more power we can get but rather what can we do with the power we have.” I love this way of thinking.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The 8 T’s by Laura Brotherson

Laura Brotherson is an author who writes information that is very “Show up Naked with Food”esk. She knows that marriages are not having as much intimacy as they should. She talks about how a women needs to cultivate her sexuality in order for her marriage to survive. She gives 8 Ts as was to work on this side of you.
Thoughts- what I think about my husband, my distractions with the kids, or other ideas matter. If I think of romantic things and physical intimacy it will help create the mood I need to be interested.

Tenderness- Women need emotional connection in order to feel open to being physical. Teasing- playfulness, flirting, and general teenage love behavior is helpful in a marriage. Couples should try to bring this back into their day to day routine.

Talk- For men and women it can be arousing to talk about it and express their feelings in the midst of love making.

Touch- this is both sexual and non-sexual- we don’t have as much affection in our lives once we are married with kids so we have to make an effort on this. So she thinks holding hands and loving touches in the day lean towards bedroom happiness.

Technique- We need to have a sexual education, read her book to learn specific mechanics, this can help your love life immensely. Women need to be open to learn their sexual wiring.

Transcendence- the ability to let go and enjoy is key. Women need to work on this in themselves.

Time- quickies are fine but shouldn’t me the norm as we won’t want intimacy if that is all we are getting.

Check out her videos here for more! My favorite quotes from Laura Brotherson from this interview:

“If you understand men, SEX is a really important way that they feel LOVED…"

"Women have not grasped or understood the importance of sex, not only for our husbands, but for ourselves…"

"It only takes one person to change a marriage!”

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Fork in the Road


Sometimes it is difficult for us to care much about our spouse because of our intense preoccupation with ourselves. Almost every single day for most married people- and for some every hour or more… a “Fork in the Road” appears. Something happens between you two. Someone says something that offends the other, someone doesn’t consider their loved one as much as they should. Human error and carelessness set in and we have in those pivotal moments a choice. Choose love or choose pride. In choosing love, we choose our marriage and ultimately- joy.

Consider this real life example: Your husband says something playful to you that’s smeared with a bit of sarcasm. He is kidding but there is a little bit of truth to it so you jab back. Your words, in your mind, feel evenly matched to the tone of his. Suddenly you get a reaction of a very offended man, disgusted by your hurtful comment. You are bewildered at his reaction. “Are you seriously mad? I was just kidding!” He is very upset and walks away from you. You are now at the Fork in the Road. You can go down the path that begins to justify why you said what you did- he started it afterall. Or minimize what you said- man what a sensitive baby. Or quickly take offense at his reaction and rudeness to you when you were merely playing around. Or you can choose the path that helps make things right.

So you go to him. Apologize sincerely. But what’s this? He is still upset with you? He doesn’t want to let you off the hook. He replies, “You know how rude that was, you know I hate that.” Whaaaattttt? But I am being so kind and owning my stuff? But I didn’t even MEAN to hurt your feelings, YOU’RE being cruel by kicking me while I am down groveling for forgiveness. Again: a Fork.


You CHOOSE to see how much what you said must have hurt him for him to be holding your hand over the fire. You must have really had bad taste in your joke or what’s more, you’ve got a man who is sensitive and human and gets hurt regardless of if you intended it or not. Now you really feel sorry. You almost want to cry that you said something so careless or that you did anything (knowing or not knowing) that would make him feel so badly. You reach out to him again. He feels your sincere nature. He feels safer. He softens. He makes the right move now at his FORK in the ROAD.

Life is a billion moments like this- with every relationship. Like a seasoned traveler you learn which way to head towards happiness.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Doggone It...

I was told a funny little story yesterday that just had to make the "Show Up Naked with Food" Blog. My friend said that when her pal was getting married her 80 year old granny told her she needed to know 2 things.... that

#1. All men are dogs

#2. If you feed your dog everyday, he'll be the most loyal dog in the world

Now, the cynicism of calling men dogs is not at all the Show up Naked with Food philosophy, however this elderly women who has been happily married for nearly 60 years is tapping into the essence of taking care of your guy encourages loyalty. And just in case you missed it, when she said feed him everyday... she wasn't talking about food :)

So if you don't want to take my word for it, Doggone it... maybe consider it from someone older and wiser.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Put your love on Display

The way we treat our spouse in public influences our husband’s appreciation for our marriage and us! If we compliment them, and speak of their strengths when with their friends they feel like Kings.

When you put your love on display- people know you think highly of your man and hold your marriage to a higher standard. It is a wonderful perpetuating cycle because then you find yourself trying to live up to the notion that you have a lovely relationship. If we take great measures to protect our marriage’s “reputation” in public then it makes it easier to do so in private.

I have often seen couples lash out at one another with almost no filter that others are around and always think to myself… what must their relationship be like behind close doors if this is how they talk to one another when I am here??? Please place your love for him on a Billboard for all to see. Make it known and inturn you make yourself accountable. We don’t want to be hypocrites and so the “fake it to make it” logic is a way to start if you find yourself not feeling nice things about your man, let alone wanting to say them.

Here’s a little fun idea…. For 2 weeks make a point to compliment your man in a public situation where he can bask in your affirmation every single day. Let me know how it goes and test my theory- see if it boosts the love meter in your house.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Happy at Home

Sex is certainly not the end-all focus of marriage. It is also not the ultimate form of intimacy. It is however, INVALUABLE to the nurturing of a lasting marriage between two healthy and able bodied people.

“On my wedding day, a man in his fifties who was an old family friend walked up to me and bestowed this advice: “You have a good man there, Kris. My advice to you is to keep him happy at home and he won’t wonder!” At first, I’ll have to admit, I took offense at this. My thoughts were, “Yeah, well, he’d better keep me happy at home, too!” But I found out over time that the essence of what he was saying was right (for both men and women). People are sexual creatures; we need a lot of hugging, kissing, and touching. You can’t entirely cut your husband off sexually and not expect him to crave attention elsewhere; the same, of course, would be true for you if he cut you off entirely. The reality is, most couples who are happy, are having sex! So, it’s up to you to take charge and spice up your sexy side. It’ll keep you young, and you’ll both be happy at home!” – Author Kristine Carlson

Monday, February 21, 2011

Feeling in the Food?

We haven’t talked about the “Showing up with FOOD” side for a while… hence today’s blog.
If by habit or if naturally, there seems to be a very potent association with food and the feeling of nurturing love. As infants we would cry out and be soothed by milk and gain the almost immediate sense of security that someone is there for us. As a mom, I even sometimes use tasty treats as a reward to my kids. School activities, parties, and celebrations of all kinds come with lovely things to eat to mark the occasion as a special one. Later in life as adults, we sometimes indulge in the naughty foods because they lift our spirits and make us feel better. So it comes as no surprise to me that people can mistake emotional huger for actual hunger. Just picture any cliché chick flick right after the “break up” scene… yep… she’s sitting there on the couch binge eating on pizza and ice cream.

Here is the fun part for us wives about this powerful human tie have to food - we can use our skills in the kitchen and translate them into tokens that convey we care about our husbands. Even if you aren’t the “cook” in the family, try making something yummy for him, make sure it is something he would like to eat, and see if he responds to it with appreciation. Serving him deliciousness can become a chance to dote on Mr. Important. I have a friend who HATES cooking. She has other talents and capabilities but this is just not her thing. Her husband fends for himself every meal. The unfortunate part is that he works and she does not. She figures out ways to snack and feed her children though out the day and when he gets home he feels like the absence of dinner for him means he is not on her radar. He has shared with me how he feels sorry for himself and she has shared on me how she hates to prepare meals. They spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars extra a month because of constantly eating out. They rarely sit down for “family time” and have a meal together where they can talk about things and enjoy one another’s company. From this dynamic the husband, unfortunately, uses his “neglect” as an internal excuse for why he isn’t that helpful with household chores. She in turn tells herself, “he doesn’t deserve me fixing him dinner when he isn’t that helpful himself!” It’s funny how couples feed off of each other for their justifications. Show Up Naked with Food is pleading to the humble power within all wives to be the first to end the nonsense games we play. Be the one to offer the olive branch. I turn to women, not because I feel it is your fault, but rather because I feel you are the most likely to eventuate any real chance in your marriage. Let’s start by looking in the mirror and then, maybe, by cracking open a cook book.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Climate for Love

I believe that in each soul there is a tremendous longing for LOVE. The love we most earnestly need in our lives is not the "honeymoon state" buttery fly wonderment that comes with new love but rather the inestimable joy of being known, accepted, and received. Often times I think about how I can try to conjure up or re-kindle the delectable feelings that I had when first dating my husband but then this secure sense that what I have now has been created over 7 years and is so much more valuable and hard to come by and is ... a little thing I like to call.... TRUE LOVE.

I have often wondered why there are not more resources or educational venues on how to create a climate for love. After all we learn all kinds of life skills in formal settings but what of this number one driving human factor that we celebrate on Valentine's Day? We need more help in learning that love is a product of intentional effort and is truly an undertaking. TRUE LOVE is a labor of LOVE.
Often we assume our husband knows how much we care about him and so we leave the outward expressions for special moments like yesterday but the experience of feeling loved is only developed through specific attitudes, actions, services, gestures, and in the acting out of what is in our hearts.

"The more love you give, the more you will receive; the more love is given and received, the more it will abound; the more love abounds, the sweeter life will be; the sweeter life is, the more love itself will be the atmosphere we live and breathe." - Daphne Rose Kingma

Monday, January 31, 2011

Free Date Kit

Ok awesome loving wives... check out this FREE date idea kit called "Spending More Time On You!" There is a whole month's worth of thematic ideas for dates that have to do with time. There are tons of creative and fun ways to spice up your date night and really just put that extra effort into your relationship. I love the one that pushes you to reconnect mentally, emotionaly, and of course PHYSICALLY!

This website http://romanticmarriages.com is a great resource for EVERYTHING MARRIAGE so visit their site often and let me know your thooughts.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Be Dreamy

After a day at work, caring for children, or cleaning and choirs women often find themselves craving relaxing activities such as watching TV, checking Facebook, blogging, reading or talking on the phone. Getting physical with their husbands often feels like “more work” (at least a work out to be sure)…. If Mr. wants to be with his wife she is all too often “tired” or emotionally checked out. My observation is that if your day’s activities really do leave you so exhausted that you cannot invest in your marriage and don’t have the energy to develop romance in your #1 relationship then you had better reevaluate your decisions and examine how and what you can change ASAP or else you just may find your “LOVE” relaxing too.

I read once that men can actually be as romantic as women (forgive me for not having a site reference as I can’t recall where) and that a husband enjoys kissing his wife before he leaves in the morning and puts his arms around her as purely loving gestures. Although these are not inherently sexual, a survey showed that a huge percentage of husband's are often met with “not now” or indifference. To these men, a wife who rejects these actions tells her husband she does not esteem him.

It is all too common to hear women talk about their “rights” when it comes to sex. “Right” to say no or the “right” to say yes. What about the idea that she has an opportunity or the “Right” to be unselfish and giving? I believe that FEW wives realize the power they have to keep their men near to them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. That is what this blog is about= the POWER women have to meet their husband’s needs and in doing so create a marriage worth dreaming about.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Why Men Need IT


repost April 2010


WARNING: This entry has medical terminology in it and scientific fact. It is not intended to make light or be disrespectful in any way toward human sexuality. I hope I do not offend with my specific and accurate language. I only intend to educate.

A fact that very few woman know is that while both men and woman may desire sex, only men NEED it. Men have two small organs called “seminal vesicles”. They have a profound effect on a man’s behavior. Within each seminal vesicle, seminal fluid is continually being produced. As this fluid is produced it swells, the swelling cannot be relieved by any other way than by ejaculation. This is why men who are not sexually active or do not relieve themselves eventually experience nocturnal emissions.

Surrounding the seminal vesicles is a network of pressure sensitive nerves which send messages to a specific part of the brain called the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus of the male brain appears to specifically be designed to trigger sexual arousal. When this occurs testosterone is released into the bloodstream. This triggers a man’s conscious awareness of his sexual need. The accelerated rate of this hormone in man affects his attention to any and all sexual stimuli around him. Consequently the man finds himself being rather distracted by sexual thoughts and desires. This involuntary arousal cycle is constant for a man, something very real and powerful that women can never fully understand.

Only evacuation of the seminal vesicles by ejaculation will quench a man’s sexual desire and within seconds after he will have no sexual desire at all. A married man will and should naturally and even unconsciously seek a physical encounter with his wife regularly. It is very frustrating for guys who can’t act on their sexual arousal, especially in a marriage… this is why good married men NEED you! One of the biggest mistakes wives make is that they have contempt for their husband’s sexual advances. Not only should you see them as a fact of his humanity, but even consider initiating it yourself regularly so that he doesn’t have to feel like a beggar. Imagine if you didn’t have to coerce, plea, nag, or threaten your spouse for one of your strong needs and desires like for example the need to be listen to? Imagine if he appeared as though he was happy to do it for you, or even better actually wanted to because he knew it would make you happy and that in turn made him happy? Well, ever heard of the golden rule?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Let's talk about sex baby

As our bodies age and change, so do our sexual desires. Hormone levels can drastically rise and fall and sometimes husband and wife are on different pages when it comes to their needs and or wants in the bedroom. As married people we better get use to speaking about sex and being real with our partner about where we stand and how we feel about it. In order to keep sex gratifying and something that builds and edifies your marriage one must be open about how one feels. However in your quest for honesty, be incredibly careful to not bruise your spouse’s ego by being too critical or placing any blame.

Women especially need to be willing to communicate when it comes to being able to reach climax when being intimate. For men, it is pretty straight forward mostly speaking… but for many women it can be difficult and can require more direction. Enjoyment is an important factor for people to want to spend time doing anything… so if our marriages are to have the best chance to thrive and our husband’s are going to feel loved and get loved regularly, women are going to have to get more comfortable talking with their hubbies about sex.

Regular orgasm can prevent heart disease, both breast and prostate cancers, bladder problems all while having positive effects on your bones, blood sugar (thus your moods), and brain function.

Did you know that the hormones secreted from an orgasm can last up to 24 hours in your body? The powerful love hormone cocktail that you can give your sweetheart via physical intimacy is nothing compared to the emotional and spiritual surge of love you can gift him by being unselfish in this area. Go love him up already!