Bonkathon

What is a Bonkathon? Well this article can tell you a little more about it. Maybe a fun challenge you and your husband can do is come up with a goal, maybe a year, a month, a week and commit to each other that you will make time for intimate every single day in the agreed time frame. Go big! Make the goal something you think will be a challenge.

One thing that I consistently read and or hear is that people just don't have the time for intimacy. It is hard with so much going on to make it a priority. Even if you feel you are getting enough love, ask your spouse if this idea seems of interest to them. You maybe surprised to learn that they have been keen for more. Try it and then let us know if your Bonathon experience made a difference in your marriage.

Caring for Yourself

Sexual Attraction seems to be a big deal when it comes to marriage. While it is most certainly not the only thing that matters, it is super important to happy marriages---- according to research.  Iris Krasnow, a writer for the Huffington Post, talks about how after interviewing hundreds and hundreds of successfully married women it was chemistry that, "made the fights shorter and the relationship longer".

One thing that I have noticed about many marriages is how it seems women can quickly "give up" and stop trying only a short time after the vows are made and the thank you notes are sent out. Men can also throw in the towel when it comes to their looks, but again, this blog is for us wives to think about what can WE do to make our marriages all that they can be. Now I admit that too much focus on our physical appearance can be a really negative thing and I personally have to be careful of getting to caught up in it, but I do think it is good to ask ourselves every now and again if we are looking and, most importantly, feeling our best?

Men are visual creatures. Sweet and considerate husbands most likely won't come out and call to attention our weight gain or unkempt hair or lack of effort. Just because they haven't said something doesn't mean they don't notice.

I find that when I do make an effort my husband compliments me and it makes me feel happy. I think it is a real gift to be in a marriage where you feel safe and accepted no matter your physical state and I appreciate my man for that  immensely! However, I believe it is important that we do not use this security as an excuse for not trying. I think that it starts with inner confidence and it is all about striking a balance. I know when I go a while without getting done up or exercising, I really don't feel as good and it is time for to re-boot and get back that spring in my step. There is nothing wrong with taking a little pride in your appearance. It is all about loving yourself and being the best you can be. So carry on caring for yourself! You'll be glad and so will HE!

To Do List Item #1- Get Naked

Are we too busy to take time for intimacy in our marriages? I know what it is like to busy all too well. I once heard great advice that went along the lines of - if you do not have time to have intimate moments in your marriage you most likely need to take a good hard look at your priorities and see how and where to free up time in our crazy schedules. The people in our lives matter more than anything else... particularly your family members. I believe that no other relationship is as critical to the well being of all of myself and my children then my marriage. People who have great marriages constantly affirm that their spouse comes first. Let's be hard working wives and mothers... but let's make sure we LOVE harder!

Wired Differently

This image is not only funny it is true. This is basically visually saying what I try to convey with Show Up Naked with Food ... men are simple. I do not mean this in a condescending way for even one moment... in fact I am often entirely jealous of how straight forwardly men seem to both think, speak, and feel. The catch phrase name for my blog came from a joke I once heard. It starts with the question, "What does it take to make a woman happy?" followed by a long exhaustive list of things men should do for their woman like: help with children, listen to her, make her feel beautiful, foot messages, buy her flowers, clean the house, be nice to her mother, don't forget important romantic details, get her door, treat her as an equal, treat her as a queen, give her alone time, be with her whenever she wants, actually enjoy watching her tv shows, etc. Then the question is asked, "What does it take to make a man happy?" the response- "Show up naked with food."

A great deal of research has been done on the fact that:

Men and women THINK and SPEAK differently.

Men think compartmentally and women think globally. A frustrating example of this is when couples get in an argument and wives will bring up something from the past. Men often cannot understand what that situation has to do with the current one. Speaking differences in us are very obvious. Women tend to speak in great detail and with many more words then men. Men often want to get to the bottom line and spare story telling. Women also use a lot of non-verbal cues and often speak in "code" by using hints. This is the classic husband asking wife how her day was situation and she says, "fine" and he doesn't catch her subtle pain behind the false response.

The way we feel inside about another is the #1 most important ingredient in any relationship. How soft and sincere is your heart? How unselfish and loving are you in your core? Do you really care for this person? The #2 most critical factor seems to be communication.

If a woman can learn the art of clear, direct, and respectful communication void of aggression with a loving delivery she will find a great deal of success in communicating with her man. While I understand that men could learn to go deeper emotionally with their words, learn to open up and explore how they feel etc. I personally don't want to be the one to write about what men could do better on this blog. To me it is about looking in the mirror and seeing how WE as WIVES can be different as this is the only way to effect any real change in our marriages.

How can you try to understand your husband better? Try today to extend yourself to think and speak more like your sweet husband and see if and how it makes a difference.  

Show Up Naked With Food-esk Quotes

So, if this were indeed my final hour, these would be my words to you. I would not claim to pass on any secret of life... or any wisdom except the passionate plea of caring... Try to feel, in your heart's core, the reality of others. This is the most painful thing in the world, probably, and the most necessary. (Margaret Laurence)


What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? (George Eliot)

It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failings than to point out those of others. (Jawaharlal Nehru)


The man who says, "I am right!" and who refuses to question his position in order to discover whether he is right, will continue to follow the line of his passions and prejudices, and will not acquire understanding. (J. Allen)

‎"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." ~ C.S. Lewis


What is all this which would hinder you from loving? What is all this which you can win by self-love? The decree is that you *shall* love, but when you understand life and yourself, then it is as if you should not need to be commanded, because to love human beings is still the only thing worth living for; without this love you really do not live. (Søren Kierkegaard)

Classic

How to be Happy

I recently read this article and loved it. This life is all about trying to be happy and trying to make others happy too. Our marriages are the greatest place to start both because no relationship is more impartive to our well being but also because if we can't work it out with those we have committed to love ...we will most likely never overcome our inner weaknesses. The first three items mentioned in the article really hit home when it comes to marriages. This is some awesome advice.

1. Give up your need to always be right
2. Give up your need for control
3. Give up on blame

This is hard to do but it is the refiner's fire. If we can learn to love instead of blaming, controlling, and being prideful we will certainly bring joy to others and most definitely ourselves.

Reasons to be Celibate?

There are a lot of other people out there saying what I am saying about how important intimacy is in marriage. Many of them also happen to mostly be speaking to women about needing to step it up in this department. While some men can indeed have lower sex drives that some women, or other issues can lead to a man denying his wife... research shows this is more rare. I came across this little site the other day, a man blogging about Showing Up Naked With Food which made me smile because this idea of men wanting sex is most certainly not something I made up.

A woman who nearly got a divorce but saved her relationship with major intervention, discusses reason why a marriage might be celibate and why it is a problem on her blog. Go here for the full blog post. I think it is important how she addresses sexual abuse as a common reason for someone not being interested in intimacy with their spouse. This is something that I have not given attention to on my blog but I am acutely aware is a real and heart breaking reality for many. I would suggest to someone with this particular situation to see a professional if you are having intimacy issues because of sexual abuse history. If you are not ready to speak to an expert, maybe start by speaking to someone, even a friend. It really needs to be addressed for your own healing progress and to help hopefully move toward continued investment in the most important relationship of your life... your marriage.

Tried In Combat

This true story was shared to me by a mentor of mine.

“A turning point came in my life one day on a train in the suburbs of Tokyo, in the middle of a drowsy spring afternoon. At one station the doors opened, and suddenly the quiet afternoon was shattered by a man bellowing at the top of his lungs, yelling violent, obscene, incomprehensible curses. He was big, drunk and dirty. He wore laborer’s clothing. His eyes bugged out, a demonic, red. His hair was crusted with filth. Screaming, he swung at the first person he saw, a woman holding a baby. The blow glanced off her shoulder, sending her spinning into the laps of an elderly couple. It was a miracle that the baby was unharmed.

The couple jumped up and scrambled toward the other end of the car. They were terrified. The laborer aimed a kick at the retreating back of the old lady. He missed, the old woman scuttled to safety. The train lurched ahead, the passengers frozen with fear. I stood up.

I was young and in pretty good shape. I stood six feet, and weighed 225. I’d been putting in a solid eight hours of Aikido training every day for the past three years. I liked to throw and grapple. I thought I was tough. However, my martial skill was untested in actual combat. As students of Aikido, we were not allowed to fight.

My teacher, the founder of Aikido, taught us each morning that the art was devoted to peace. “Aikido,” he said again and again, “is the art of reconciliation. Whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate other people, you are already defeated. We study how to resolve conflict, not how to start it.”

I listened to his words. I tried hard but I felt both tough and holy. In my heart of hearts, however, I was dying to be a hero. I wanted a chance, an absolutely legitimate opportunity whereby I might save the innocent by destroying the guilty.

“This is it!” I said to myself as I got to my feet. : This slob, this animal, is drunk, mean and violent. People are in danger. If I don’t do something fast, somebody will probably get hurt..”

Seeing me stand up, the drunk saw a chance to focus his rage. “AHA!” he roared, “A FOREIGNER! YOU NEED A LESSON IN JAPANESE MANNERS!” He punched the metal pol to give weight to his words.

I held on lightly to the commuter-strap overhead. I gave him a slow look of disgust and dismissal. I planned to take this turkey apart, but he had to be the one to move first. And I wanted him mad, because the madder he got the more certain my victory. “ALL RIGHT! he hollered, “YOUR GONNA GET A LESSON.” He gathered himself for a rush at me. He’d never know what hit him.

A split-second before he moved, someone shouted “HEY!” It was ear splitting. I remember being hit by the strangely joyous quality of it---

We both stared down at a little old Japanese man. He must have been well into his seventies, this tiny gentleman, sitting there immaculate in his kimono. He took no notice of me, but beamed delightedly at the laborer, as though he had a most important, most welcome secret to share. “C’mere,” the old man said in an easy vernacular, beckoning to the drunk, “C’mere and talk with me.” He waved his hand lightly. The big man followed, as if on a string. He planted his feet belligerently in front of the old gentleman, and towered threateningly over him. “TALK TO YOU,” he roared, “WHY SHOULD I TALK TO YOU?”

The old man continued to beam. There was not a trace of fear or resentment about him. “What’cha been drinking?” he asked lightly, his eyes sparkling with interest. “I BEEN DRINKING SAKE,” the laborer bellowed back, “AND IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” the old man said with delight, “absolutely wonderful! You see, I love sake too. Every night, me and my wife (she’s 76, you know), we warm up a little bottle of sake and take it out into the garden, and we sit on the old wooden bench that my grandfather made. We watch the sun go down, and we look to see how our persimmon tree is doing. Persimmons do not do well after ice-storms, although I must say that ours has done better than I expected, especially when you consider the poor quality of the soil. Still, it’s most gratifying to watch when we take our sake and go out to enjoy the evening—even when it rains!” He looked up at the laborer, eyes twinkling, happy to share his delightful information.

As he struggled to follow the intricacies of the old man’s conversation, the drunk’s face began to soften. His fists slowly unclenched. “Yeah,” he said slowly, “I love persimmons, too… His voice trailed off. “Yes”, said the old man, smiling, “and I’m sure you have a wonderful wife.”

“No,” replied the laborer, “My wife died.” He hung his head. Very gently, swaying with the motion of the train, the big man began to sob. “I don’t got no wife, I don’t got no home, I don’t got no job, I don’t got no money, I don’t got nowhere to go. I’m so ashamed of myself.” Tears rolled down his cheeks, a spasm of pure despair rippled through his body.

Now it was my turn. Standing there in my well-scrubbed youthful innocence, my make- this- world-safe-for- democracy righteousness, I suddenly felt dirtier than he was.

Just then, the train arrived at my stop. The platform was packed, and the crowd surged into the car as soon the doors opened. Maneuvering my way out, I heard the old man cluck sympathetically. “My, My,” he said with undiminished delight, “that is a very difficult predicament, indeed. Sit down here and tell me about it.”

I turned my head for one last look. The laborer was sprawled like a sack on the seat, his head in the old man’s lap. The old man looked down at him with compassion and delight, one hand stroking the filthy, matted head.

As the train pulled away, I sat down on a bench. What I had wanted to do with muscle and meanness had been accomplished with a few kind words. I had seen Aikido tried in combat, and the essence of it was love, as the founder had said.”

Lose to Gain?

Losing in your marriage in order to win? Show Up Naked With Food is pro husband, pro marriage and thus pro wife! I think pressing hard to find in yourself your incredible ability to forgive, your willingness to be humble, and your desire to choose LOVE above being right... is a remarkable blessing that marriage affords us.

Unfortunately, I have struggled with my nature of being really competitive and really opinionated as well. I feel sorry for all those who have been the brunt of this stubborn gal's ways and particularly my sweet husband who is meek, gentle, and easy going. I notice, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I am most at peace is in those all to rare times I am sincerely willing to be wrong and willing to put others before my own "make this world right" mentality.

I know when I am faking it though, if I am just trying to end an argument but inside and still convinced of my own righteousness it just doesn't play the same as being genuinely humble and loving. I appreciated an article I just read about this idea of being willing to lose in order to win... I liked this line at the end of the article...

"Maybe we need to be formed in such a way that winning loses its glamour, that we can sacrifice the competition in favor of people."

Lost that Lovin' Feeling?

Repost from 2010

The first few years of marriage, many woman seem to want the physical interaction with their husband as much as he does. I will never forget a friend of mine, a mother of 3 children, saying something about only having sex with her husband once a week. She said she could easily go one month without it. I remember thinking, “Sad I will never get like that. I need it way more, that is crazy!" Then, I had a baby. Things really changed. With milky boobs, extra baby weight that didn’t help make me feel very sexy, incredible fatigue, and the new hormones pumping through my body, I suddenly understood how my cute pal could say what she did. It was kind of this sad realization that my sex drive was independent from me. I couldn’t deny the fact that I didn’t need or want it as much. I believe most mothers know exactly what I am talking about. From having spoken to a lot of people and having read dozens of forums where hundreds of men and women express their concerns about this very issue, I am confident my experience was not out of the norm.

Because it is totally normal for a new mother to experience a loss of her libido along with her once slimmer waist line, women tend to want to get an “OK” for saying no to their husbands, because then they won’t have to feel bad about it. This is where the problem begins. She has to make him wrong, insensitive, or selfish in order to justify denying him.

After the birth of a child the love a wife has for her spouse is often stronger than ever, but the desire to engage in sexual activity is not. I am not even talking about the 4 to 6 week (and Doc never said 46 weeks as some woman like to pretend) waiting period for intercourse after childbirth. Which brings me to a quick additional point about how there is not really an excuse to still not take care of him- there are lots of other ways to meet his need during this time! Even after the prescribed period woman are claiming headaches and exhaustion, when if they are truly honest, doesn’t stop them from enjoying little pleasures like watching their favorite program, reading a good book, or having a chat with a girl friend on the phone about the joys or challenges of motherhood. Some woman actually report an increase in sexual desire right after birth but it doesn’t seem to last. By about month 3 the last thing she is wanting is a man to be all over the same parts of her body that baby has been hanging from all day.

Low self esteem contributes to the problem for many women because they feel less than desirable. They smell like spit up, their body has traumatically changed, they are in pajamas all day and certainly don’t have time for makeup or to do their hair. Many women can’t believe he’d desire her in the first place. Post partum blues are common and then the problem really increases as she pulls away from him. He, being hurt, from the constant rejection may not make as many advances as he use to and she takes this as confirmation that he is not interested which encourages this cycle to continue. I have spoken to a lot of my friends who have become new moms and I have researched this with a lot of reading and this problem can be devastating.

Men don’t always have the skills to deal with their feeling sexually deprived. They often resent the wife or try guilt trip tactics which only makes her defensive. Some men withdraw, take it out on the children, or turn to other means outside of their wife (even cheating can and does occur)… but no matter what, even with the most understanding and patient man, this issue will take a toll on a marriage and end up hurting both of you.

Now while I am in no denial that men could learn some things about how to encourage us better. They could do a million things better to make life easier for us and make us more willing to jump into bed with them… but that is not what this blog is for. I am a wife and a woman. It isn’t too effective for me to tell the other side how to be. I feel the only way you can influence your relationship to improve is by worrying about YOU! What can YOU do as a wife, what are YOU doing to make things work? I may be taking an unpopular stance for many woman and especially roaring feminists but I say the proof is in the pudding.

The deal is you have to change the way you think about this issue. If you think of it as some chore or resent how you have to take care of your selfish husband because Show Up Naked with Food says so, you won’t reap all the rewards. If you can see it as a need of his, one you are happy to oblige because you love him, you’ll find the connection and spark of your marriage can burn brighter than ever. But hey, even if you do it out of guilt, I will say it won’t be worse than completely neglecting your partner because that’ll HURT YOU in the end. If his needs and wants are not on your agenda. Why should yours be on his? This is the law of nature, like an echo “What you send out comes back to you”.

5 things Happy Couples Do

Click here for a great article to help your marriage be awesome sauce!

Pride Yourself (repost)

What would be amazing if every wife actually took pride in the fact that she NEVER denies her husband physical affection. Ok, for some of you it may not be practical to have an intimate moment with your husband every single day but at least start with promising yourself and him that you will never turn him down. I pride myself on the fact that my man is always taken care of when he desires me. I think if more women thought that this meter of her love was an indication of what kind of a wife she was, more marriages would be spared and more couples would be happy. Just think about all of the jokes and references of the wife using a “headache” as an excuse. (In fact ABC News discusses how headache pain is relieved with sexual activity.)

Don’t say no, just don’t ever do it. Think how painful it must feel to be denied, perhaps you have had the unfortunate occasion, it doesn’t leave you feeling very desirable I imagine. So please don’t choose your own sleep or “busy” life over the opportunity to let your husband know he is adored. If you at least decide to commit to the “Open Door Policy", you will very well see that when you ask your husband to do a favor for you, (say get a glass of water or help with the kids) he’ll be that much more inclined.

Also consider hitting him up for lovin’ too. Don’t always wait for him to ask. Guys want to feel that they are wanted, just like we do. Even if you have to seem more interested than you really are… think of how it makes you feel when your husband seems to be okay with going to a chick flick with you. My major emphasis here is to esteem your husband! Make him feel cherished because you’d like to feel that way. If he already does that, than all the more reason to. If your complaint is, “the last thing I want to do is get intimate with a guy who doesn’t treat me great” , consider how you can be the first to extend the peace offering. Charity and love are essentials in any happy relationship. Give the gift you have been wanting- to feel VALUED. Most husbands feel valued by your physical affection. Choose this mentality today and I promise you won’t regret it.

And to All a Good Night

Ok, so in the spirit of the holidays and starting a new year etc. I have to admit to something I am not very proud of... that is that recently… I haven't been Practicing What I Preach as much as I should.

This blog is my effort to bolster marriages, help wives on their quest to be more loving, more charitable, more romantic, and happier. My marriage "prescriptions" are not the only way to do things, but I do feel deeply in my core the truth in the essence of what I am trying to convey, which is a message of other centrism. What is it that makes your man happy, and when you figure that out- just do it! Loose ourselves in our marriage and serve our partner in ways we may not be paying attention to, go the extra mile, little efforts matter, don’t hold back intimacy, even if it isn’t our priority… give of ourselves…. LOVE!!! This is the intention of Show Up Naked With Food.

I have had woman and even men tell me how they disagree with what I write on this blog. I appreciate their opinions very much. In fact, it has been a great gift to me to hear other points of view and above all realize how difficult it is to express these concepts. It has been my experience that when I get to speak in depth with someone about this blog, I really haven’t had anyone disagree or feel adverse to its intention. My language and writing skills often are limiting, but it has been a joy for me to reiterate a theme of the “Golden Rule” wrapped in the catch phrase “Show Up Naked With Food”.

I have moved to a new country and am living here with my two boys and husband. We have wonderful family and friends around us. We have had challenges, like most, with the recession and the stressful grind of the everyday lifestyle of two parents working, little children that need 24 hour care, and all the rest that is typical for most has been harder this year than any in the past. Time slips away, the sun comes up ridiculously early and my boys wake up at the crack of dawn (5:30-6AM). There seems to be very little time for husband and wife.

Now I am aware that for everything there is a season, and it isn’t like it was in the early days as newly-weds when all we had was time for each other. We have entered into a new phase in life and it merits spreading our attention various ways. However, where I feel I need to confess is that I just could be doing a better job and am needing to recommit to these ideals and affirm in me again how much happier I am when I make the choices to prioritize my marriage and my husband.

It isn’t just about making sure the marital bed is in good use, or making a lovely meal each night. It is about my way of being with my spouse that matters. If your hubby loves to cook and you two are happy with him always doing it- great! If your husband doesn’t have a strong sex drive like most men, and once a week is plenty to keep his love bank full- then swell. I am just pleading with woman today (and myself here) to reevaluate how we justify not doing the courteous and loving things that make our marriage GO RIGHT!

I am not perfect, I am sure most are not. But I have to step it up for my spouse, my children, those around that might look to us as examples, and above all for my own well being. Life is about pressing on, growing, and not giving up. So welcome the beautiful holidays that for my family will be filled with amazing foods to enjoy and lots of attention to the amazing man I married.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT (if you know what I mean) xoxo

You Don't Have to Take My Word For It

In the old school children's tv show Reading Rainbow, the host LeVar Burton would always endorse some great book but then he'd finish with his catch phrase, "But you don't have to take my word for it..." which would usher in various interviews with children reviewing the said literature.

So in the spirit of LeVar- if you'd like to explore what others are saying about being selfless in your marriage... Here are some other great Blogs about "Showing up Naked With Food" in your marriage.

The Generous Wife

Encourage Your Spouse

Marriage Gems

Journey to Surrender

Thanks to my pal Emily for forwarding these to me! xoxo